So long...farewell...

My last day in Birmingham was good!  I had breakfast and then my momma and I started out to do a few last things.  We ended up going to Whistle Stop, a street festival in Irondale, and bought a few things.  We mainly just walked around and looked.  We returned home for lunch a bit later and then headed out again to see if we could find a different suitcase to replace my small one I was checking.  We went around the world (Gardendale, Hoover, Patton Creek, etc) looking for one!  No luck though; however, we discovered it wasn't worth it!!  We went to Frances' house to help set up her skype. 

At home,  I finished getting things together, scrapbooked my last Pre-Fulbright things while Kimberly visited.  Her mom brought the most delicious dinner: chicken casserole, homemade mac-n-cheese, & potatoes.  It was delicious!  I scrapbooked while they were there; I had to multi-task!!!  After they left me and my momma went to wal-mart to get some snacks.  We ended up getting these compression bags to try in my suitcase as well! It was weird to leave Wal-Mart knowing that I wouldn't see one for a while!


So then we went home to try the bags, which meant unpacking one of my suitcases, and it was time for kick-off.  Packing was a nightmare and those bags ended up sucking.  My momma is taking them back!  THis was a HUGE source of stress.  However, ROLL TIDE!!! We won! 

It was well after midnight before I went to bed.  I actually slept pretty well, but did not reeeeeeeally want to leave!

I'm ready to eat...well, a little...I'm always praying...and will be loving from afar

A quote from the end of the movie "Eat Pray Love"

If you're brave enough to leave behind everything familiar and comforting, which can be anything from your house to bitter, old resentments, and set out on a truth-seeking journey, either externally or internally, and if you are truly willing to regard everything that happens to you on that journey as a clue. And if you accept everyone you meet along the way as a teacher, and if you are prepared, most of all, to face and forgive some very difficult realities about yourself, then the truth will not be withheld from you.

I'm counting on it!  God will use this time for His glory!  

A day of surprises and deception!!!

 This story must be told:  Wednesday night my momma and I were Belk in Trussville when I received a text from Shari.  She asked if there was something we could do to celebrate my momma's upcoming 60th birthday!  I said sure and she agreed to plan.  I just invited Frances and then had to ask my mom some questions, which was difficult without leading her on to something going on.  I was really excited to surprise her, even if she doesn't like surprises, and to celebrate HER because she doesn't ever do that!  It was hard driving home from Belk because Shari was texting me and then my momma called Shari, and I was also having to get answers to questions like, "What is her favorite place to eat?" "What is her favorite cake?"

This blog would not be complete if I did not include my last dinner with my mom & Frances' 3L club.  These women have been so welcoming, kind, generous, and just all around wonderful to me.  They are so sweet to allow me to join them in having good fun, a ton of fun, lots of laughter, and of course a good glass of wine! ;) Thursday night was their auction for charity and we had delicious Lebanese food!  Like last year at the auction, I got a very cute purse, and it is going to Italy with me! We talked about them coming to visit, and let me take this opportunity to say to any of them that may be reading this: PLEASE come!  Just email me or facebook me when might be best for you and we'll work it out!  When we said bye to Frances, I knew I would see her the next night for my momma's birthday...but my momma didn't know that!  Then while we were driving home I was texting April and telling her that I wanted to see her again and I talked her into coming to Birmingham for my momma's surprise party!  This was fabulous because my mom loves April and I love April, and I wanted to hug her once more!  Now...can I teleport my other loves so that I can hug them too?!?!? So, April was now in on the secret and a part of it (important detail for later).  Also important to note that I was sitting next my momma in the car and was wanting to jump out of my skin from excitement and could not say a word.

So now, today was my momma's birthday, and it was a day full of surprises and deception; good deception that is!  I knew we had a busy day, but it got started earlier than I thought!  I took my Chili for a walk, because I am going to miss doing that!  I'm going to miss my dog so much, and I know he is going to miss me like crazy! 

So then I had to take a shower.  I was also supposed to have a skype date with April, which made me so happy! While I was on skype with April I was excited to see her face, but of course I knew I would see her later.  However, for my mom's sake I had to drag it out as though I wouldn't see April's face for a while.  We had to be somewhere at 10 (mom's work), so she was trying to get me to hurry!  I kept acting as though it was no big deal.  Then, I did hang up with April and got dressed.  Then, I was taking my laptop with me to read the dissertation as we were driving and I noticed I had a missed skype call from April, but it was after we had hung up.  So, I called her back and ended up carrying her all the way out to the car (yay for good wifi).  THen I put her in the car with my mom while I moved my momma's car.  So, April and my mom skyped for a few minutes (another small important detail). 

When we got to southside, we were lucky and got a great parking space.  When we walked into the department my mom looked in the break room where the tailgating food was supposed to be, and noticed that there was no food.  She said, "didn't you say they said 10?? (because I had asked on facebook)  SO then we stopped to talk to everyone and then they showed me the food...OH MY GOSH!!!! Cindy made this amazing cake for....ME!! Whaaa??? It is my momma's birthday and they made a surprise cake for ME!  I was shocked...floored...and it made me feel so special!  I am so lucky to have so many people in my life that are showing me love!!  I am so grateful to know that people are thinking of me, praying for me, and sending me off with love!  I cannot even describe the cake because only pictures can begin to do it justice:

Also, I should say that I looked at the cake and was in amazement, but it took me a minute to realize that the yellow brick road was in the shape of ITALY! Then I noticed that where my pictures was, there was something red at the bottom.  Of course I assumed it was the Ruby Red Slippers, but then I realized that it was a red star where Cosenza is on the map!  SO CREATIVE!!!!!! We had some good tailgating food and the cake was delicious (white cake...I'm pretty sure and the homemade frosting had an orange flavoring).  My mom's friends are so good to me!  I hope they take care of her while I am gone!! 
**So, my momma told April while they were on skype that she was sorry that she had rush me off of skype because....and she explained the surprise....sneaky sneaky April was in on TWO surprises now! 

The rest of the day was great.  I was able to talk to some of my favorite people: 1. Maria- whom I just love so much and she is always so insightful and thoughtful and just all around wonderful!  She always offers me a fresh perspective on things mixed with encouragement and love.  I just love her so much.  2. Mrs. Malissa- I just love me some Mrs. Malissa!  If I ever doubt that I am loved (by anyone other than my parents), all I have to do is call Mrs. Malissa!  It makes my heart happy to know that there are such wonderful women/role-models in my life!  My momma and I also went to get pedicures because that is what she wanted to do for her birthday!  Despite my aversion to this, and for good reason because it did hurt, we had a good time and my toes are Rockette Red (my own bottle...not at the place) and ready to go!  We also had Panera coffee.  The rest of the afternoon was spent packing some things and resting.  We also went to the airport and weighed my biggest suitcase and it was 50 lbs ON THE DOT!!!

THEN....we came home to get ready for my momma's dinner.  April called and said she was on the way and I was trryyying to drag things out so that we would get there after everyone else.  When we got there I jumped out of the car and ran in to "get a table"!  Then, I went and got my momma and daddy from the front of the restaurant and she started saying, "what did ya'll do?!?!?"  She was ACTUALLY SURPRISED to see Shari, Mike, Bear, Sharyn, & Frances.  Mr. Frieson was on his way and April was too!  I was so so so excited that she was truly surprised!  We had great food...great conversation...good laughs...and I think my momma really enjoyed it!  I was so excited that everyone came to help her celebrate because she deserved a night for her! I still cannot believe that we were actually able to surprise her...and that I didn't give anything away. 

Top: Mike, Shari, Bear, Sharyn, Mr. Frieson, & Frances Bottom: April, me, Momma, & Daddy

Our photographer took a million pictures and so they got silly

Daddy, Momma, & Me

Me and \a

Loving on my \a

I was excited to see April once more before I left!  I wish I could see all of my friends again.

When we got home I tried to finish packing...got stressed out...cried a little because I was so frustrated.  However, I got to talk to Erin!!!! :)  The advantage of her late nights is that I get to talk to her!!!  I miss her so much!!  Can she move to Italy with me?!?!? We did decide though that we will skype on Thanksgiving.  this seems like an eternity from now, but here is the reasoning behind it:  last year I was in Italy for Thanksgiving and Erin had to work.  It was the first time for both of us to be away from home.  However, it made my day so much better just to see her face and hear her voice.  So, we decided that no matter what happens that day, we will talk.  It will be our own new Thanksgiving tradition for as long as we live in different cities!   

I also talked to April once more and then finished packing some! 

I am truly blessed with the most wonderful people in my life!  I am so grateful, and I hope that they know that I do not take them fore granted.  God has been so good to grant me peace and strength during this time and I am looking forward to seeing what He has in store.  He has blessed me with the greatest support system that a girl could ask for, and I thank him EVERY DAY for that!  

TOMORROW IS THE DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Logistics & thinking & bracelets...OH MY!!!

This past week has been all about preparing and tying up the loose ends!!  My to-do list has been shrinking AND growing...However, there are a few things I want to write about:

1. ABSENTEE VOTING:  It is no wonder to me why people do not vote if they cannot be there on the day and go to their voting place!  THEY MAKE IT SO RIDICULOUSLY HARD TO DO THAT IT IS ALMOST NOT EVEN WORTH IT!!!!  It took a series of like 10-15 emails (from like 3 different people), 3 or 4 things mailed back and forth, the most ridiculous taped together pdf file envelopes in the world, & annoyance all the way around.  I have finally voted, but I would not be surprised if I was in that statistic of votes from military/overseas citizens (the category I fell in to for the absentee voting) whose votes did not count.  They literally made it so much harder than it had to be, and I wanted to vote.  I want my vote to count; does this do anything to assure me that my vote really does count!?!? Unfortunately, NO!

2. I have the greatest friends in the world.  This past week I have received cards, emails, phone calls, gifts, etc. It is so encouraging to have such wonderful, loving, kind, giving, generous friends.  It makes my heart so happy to know that everyone is thinking about me, praying for me, and loving on me from afar!  I am beyond grateful for the gift of friendship! 

A few stories: 

The first is about my wonderful new bracelet.  So the other night I was reading one of the Fulbrighters blog from last year and she said that she wore a bracelet that said, in Italian, "I'm still learning!"  I thought this was a brilliant idea because she said it reminded her that every time she wanted to get frustrated with herself about not understanding someone or not being able to express herself, in Italian of course, that she was still learning.  I was telling April about this and jokingly mentioned that if I had one it would have to also say, "i'm not failing!"  I tend to equate not making an A+ or not being the best at something, with failure.  So, I set out to figure out how to make this bracelet.  I came up with some okay ideas, but then I received the most wonderful surprise in the mail.  April had let it slip that she had a surprise for me, but I had NO clue what it could be.  So, pictures are worth thousands of words:

The top part which says, "I'm learning"

The underside which says, "I'm not failing"

So, do you see that I have the greatest friends??

Theeeennnn...I got the CUTEST card in the mail from my best friend Erin.  It was a card that I saw a month or so ago in World Market and I sent Erin a picture of it because it reminded me so much of the two of us.  It is so perfect because one girl has on a blueish dress and the other a pink one; one has darker hair and the other has lighter hair; they are hugging; AND it says that another word for friendship is love, and I love Erin more than she knows!  The card was also extra special because my niece, Molly, had chewed the corners of the envelope!  I do miss my Molly Bug and my Maddie Patty! 

Theeeennnn....I got a sweet card from Meagan today (Thrusday).  So cute and had a post card for me from Louisville, which was perfect!!  I am so excited that Meagan is planning a trip to come visit me.  I was telling her today that my favorite thing about my friends planning to come visit me is that I will get to share that with just them.  Whatever it is we do will be just our memories!  Something that we will not have shared with anyone else; that makes it that much more special to me.  I like unique and meaningful things, plus I am a quality time person; thus, this idea makes perfect sense. 

Also this week I was able to skype with my Avery girls, which always brings a smile to my face, and then talked to Kelly on the phone!  I also talked to Mrs. Malissa briefly, and I already miss my people like crazy! 

3.  Making memories and pictures (of course!):
My momma took off on Wed, Thurs, & Fri!  We went to have coffee with my daddy and his best friend, and that was good because it was something they always do AND I had the best starbucks thing I've ever had in my entire life.  MY FIRST SALTED CARAMEL MOCHA; OH MY GOSH...so it was nice to just sit and talk with them and laugh!  

Me and my daddy!

Salted Caramel Mocha

Me and Mr. Frieson, my daddy's best friend

This week we also took Chili and Bella to Railroad Park so that I could take some nicer pictures with them.  Words cannot describe how much I will miss my dog!!     

I've had so much fun this week...and more is to come before Saturday night when I write my final post from the U.S.!!!

I'll leave you with a few fun pictures: 

It's my coach!!!

Riding on the buggy (shopping cart)

Me and my flat family

I apologize for the terrible formatting, but blogger is being annoying!

Happy Tears

Today I am brought to tears...HAPPY tears that is!!  The two main teachers that I will be working with, Virginia and Valeria, have been showing me so much kindness that I am just at a loss for words.  They have been so welcoming and encouraging already.  They have been patient with my questions and have continuously offered words of comfort.  They mention things before I even ask; they have mentioned numerous times that I will find friends and families to spend time with; both of them have said how excited they are and their students are to welcome me!  I am just speechless at their kindness and hospitality before I have even arrived in the city!  They are both working to help me find housing and arrange transportation to Cosenza and even once I arrive at the train station. I was very worried about the fact that this is the first year that Cosenza has had a Fulbright student and therefore I could not turn to a past Fulbright student for advice, etc.  No need though because these ladies (& a third teacher whom I have not spoken with directly, but who I hear is also excited to meet me) have been simply amazing!

This brings me to a few things I have to say:

1. GOD IS SO GOOD! He knows my needs and He meets them!  I KNOW that He is facilitating this!  I have been praying about these things for months now, and He is already answering those prayers.  I prayed for comfort and peace as the time drew close for me to leave, and I am overwhelmed by the sense of peace I've had.  I prayed (am praying) for warm and welcoming people and ta-da...I think  I've found them (and this is only the tip of the iceberg)! 

2.  I am still going to be so sad on Sunday when I have to go through security, and I KNOW there will be days when I just want my momma, daddy, friends, animals, home, etc. etc., but what a GREAT way to be welcomed into my new home of Cosenza.  They are making it very easy to be equally EXCITED and SAD.  Though this weekend I have a feeling sadness will win out, I am beginning to feel confident about the fact that happiness, joy, fun, and excitement will soon follow (I'm sure after a good night's sleep after 24 hours of traveling)!

3.  I LOVE MY FAMILY AND FRIENDS!!  My mailbox has been full of fun surprises lately, and I hear that more are arriving soon!  This makes me smile and I'm so excited!  Also, I want to send/receive letters & things while I am in Italy also.  That being said, I will send my mailing address to anyone who requests (once I have a permanent residence).  Facebook me, email me, or comment here and we'll get it together.  I LOVE to write letters and I think this is the PERFECT opportunity for me to do this with my friends and family!

OH MY GOSH...I'M MOVING TO ITALY!

Tears

I've cried with every goodbye!!  It was sad to leave Meagan a few months ago after our time at the lake.  I was slightly hysterical on and off as I drove home from Charleston a few weeks ago.  Hugging my Children's Program people was hard.  Hugging Kelly, Sarah Mason, and Gracie goodbye broke me down.  Mrs. Malissa was hard to let go and the tears were plentiful!  My HDFS people were hard to leave.  Leaving with and then walking away from Maria was so hard to do and I definitely cried a good bit!  Finally, tonight walking away from April was so hard to do for many reasons.  Then, I began to realize that I am nearing the end of my goodbyes.  Only a few left and two HUGE ones...my momma and daddy!  Sunday will be hard, but God is good! 

All of these people (and others) have been such answered prayers in my life.  I know that God is #1, and He should remain on the throne of my heart, and I do struggle with dependence on people.  However, I strongly believe that God places people in our lives to bless us and allow us to bless them.  I pray that I have been a blessing to those in my life, but I know that I could never come close to how they have blessed me, and I could never be to them/mean to them, what they have been/meant to me.

I spent so much time feeling lonely or wishing for people who understood me the way my friends do now.  I am such a lucky girl and I am going to miss my people so much!

 One last picture with my \a.  For those who question how that is pronounced, it is back-slash-a.



On another note, my friend Erin was going to try to get to ATL to see me on my layover.  Did I mention that I have the most wonderful friends that a girl could ever ask for??? 

The "P" word(s)...

Perfect/Perfection/Preparation/Paid/Pictures/Peace

If you know me at all, you know that I am a type-A (sometimes to my own detriment) personality who tends to overachieve (or at least always attempts to).  I try to always be 100% prepared and on top of things, often pushing myself to my breaking point trying to achieve perfection.  I am fully aware that true perfection is not something I can ever achieve because I believe that there has only ever been One perfect human; Jesus.  However, this has rarely stopped me from striving for perfection in everything that I do; school, dance (Rockettes), relationships, and really life in general I suppose.  The trouble with this is that it also tends to drive me to my breaking point, and many times I feel as if I have broken (speak with the people who have had to literally pick me up off the floor while I am drowning myself in tears and self-loathing for not be perfect).

So what does this have to do with my preparation time for Italy?  Well, to the shock and amazement of myself, and I am assuming others in my life, I have yet to have a major freak-out, breakdown, losing control, crying uncontrollably moment (& we are down to just over ONE week until I leave).  Granted, there have been moments of slight anxiety (last night with some packing stuff), but it has all been relatively minor.  I have had moments of being sad, but the tears and sad feelings do not overwhelm me.  I am feeling some sadness about leaving and not seeing my family, friends, animals, house (familiar), etc. for 9 months, but the reality is that I am being paid to go on the adventure of a lifetime; I am being paid to live out a dream I have held onto for many years.  When I begin to feel sadness I remind myself of all the pictures I see on Facebook of people I know out traveling and living the adventures I want to live, and I remind myself that I am about to do exactly that!  God is so good to not only give me this adventure, and to trust me with it, but to ALSO give me peace about it! 

In preparation for my time in Italy I have been reading others blogs that were Fulbright recipients, other expats in Italy (I do not think I will qualify as a true expat...and I'm okay with that!), other English teachers in Southern Italy, etc., and I have found some of them very insightful and helpful.  I feel as though they have prepared me for some of the emotions I will experience, some of the day-to-day frustrations, but also some of the amazing things I will see/do/experience/talk about/bring home with me.

I am enjoying these blogs:
http://bluesuedescarpe.com/
http://sunshineandtomatoes.blogspot.it/
And a few others.  The first blog has some good entries about expat life and a GREAT entry involving the serenity prayer and how she ties it to life abroad.    http://bluesuedescarpe.com/2011/07/05/128/

I think it is also worthy to note that I am unsure of my living arrangements still, and I am NOT freaking out!  Why is that you may ask.  Well, it is because the teachers (tutors) I will be working with have been sooooo amazingly kind and helpful.  There is one of them in particular who has been so sweet that I already know I will love her!  Big surprise right?  Me loving a teacher.  The other day she sent me an informative email and randomly at the end of the email she said, "Take it easy, your stay here will be great experience for you! tell your Mum we are going to look after you."  She thought of how my mom must be feeling, and to me that said a lot about who she is and how she will "care for me", especially upon arrival.  When I responded to this, and her kindness in general, she informed me that her youngest son is just a year older than me and so she can understand how my mom must be feeling!  There is more I could say about her, but I will control myself from doing so at the moment (for the record they are all good things). God has been busy preparing a way for me and I am already seeing the outcomes!

So, the main point of this blog is that as I am preparing for this paid trip abroad, I am drowning not in tears, fears, or anxiety, but rather, I am drowning in peace.  I know that this trip will not be perfect and that there will be hard days (Maria is good to remind me that no place, experience, person, or day is going to be perfect), but what I do know is that if I continue to focus on the Prince of Peace and allow Him to guide my steps, attitude, outlook, days, etc. etc., it will be a PERFECT trip in ways I could never imagine.

I am leaving you with a gift- peace of mind and heart.  And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give.  So do not be troubled or afraid.  - John 14:27 (NLT)

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. - John 14:27 (NIV)

Never Far From Me

I think my \a is trying to kill me.  April sent me this video, and the lyrics are so simple, yet perfectly describe our friendship! 

John Garrison  "Never Far From me"
Lyrics:
Never far from me
Any time I feel low
I just don't know how you know
You are never far from me
You are never far from me

Once again, there goes the phone
How could you possibly know

You are never far from me
You are never far from me

Before the time that you go
There is something you should know
You will always be in me
You are never far from me

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tY964r5PC6E&feature=youtube_gdata_player

Moments like this remind me of the wonderful people I am leaving here in the U.S..  If I have not said it before now, let me say that I am so grateful to be embarking on this experience in the age of email, facebook, skype, cell phones, etc. 

“For those who are lost, there will always be cities that feel like home.” ― Simon Van Booy

I do not feel lost at all, but what I do know is that there are cities that feel like home!  I feel at home in Birmingham (hometown), New York City, and Tuscaloosa.  There were many years that I never felt attached to Tuscaloosa; in fact, it was exactly the opposite.  I HATED Tuscaloosa; I would cry when I had to drive back to Tuscaloosa.  Now, as many of you know, I LOVE TUSCALOOSA!  Now, it is mostly due to the people in Tuscaloosa and my love for them.

Wednesday morning I headed to Tuscaloosa for a few days for the last time, at least for a while!  Wednesday was a good day!  My first stop was Stillman College to see the office of my beautiful, wonderful friend April!  She is now an Assistant Professor of Psychology at Stillman College, and I am so proud of her. Her office is really nice and she has awesome artwork and things to make it feel comfortable.  I spent time with Mrs. Malissa and down at the Children's Program. I also went down to campus to visit with Barbara (one of my Italian professors).  We had a GREAT conversation and she gave me some information about traveling, about southern Italy, and more.  We talked about my time in Florence, and I just enjoyed being with her.  I got a quick hug from Gabriella (first Italian teacher), but she was on her way to class.  I feel so fortunate to have had AMAZING Italian professors who helped me fall in love with the language and culture.  Without their influence I would NOT be embarking on this adventure.  It was a regular day in Tuscaloosa, and there is something so comforting in the familiar! That night I went to dinner with Mrs. Malissa, April, and Ms. Hudson.  We went to DePalma's and had a WONDERFUL time!  We had good food (I branched out and got eggplant Parmesan, which I have had before), good wine, good conversation, many laughs, and Mrs. Malissa and Ms. Hudson gave me some fabulous and very thoughtful gifts.

 

Mrs. Malissa, Me, Ms. Hudson, & April

After dinner I went to Kelly's house to stay with her, Tony, and the girls!  I do not know if I can put into words how special this family is to me!  Not to mention, my Gracie and Sarah Mason are so extremely talented and every time they sing, they give me goosebumps!  They are two wonderful girls and I am going to miss them so much!  We did their interviews, they sang, we laughed, and then said goodnight.

Thursday was a good day! I got to see Maria (Dr. Hernandez-Reif...will try to only refer to her as Maria from here on out), and I was excited about that!  I spent time making my flat people for Italy.  One of my favorite parts of the day was spending time with Heather in the baby room, and then Heather and I went to NEWK'S for lunch.  It was so good to spend some time with her one-on-one!  We had a wonderful lunch and it made me realize just how much I am going to miss her!  Heather has taught me everything I know about working in the classroom with infants and much more!  I am so sad that I will not be here for her wedding, but I will be sending prayers and love from Italy!  Also, if someone wants to skype me from their iPhone while Heather walks down the aisle, I'll be forever grateful (and silent)!

After lunch I worked upstairs some and then I had to go tell Heather bye because she was going home that evening (Mobile).  I spent some time in the room with her (and thankfully was able to interview her), and then we had to do the inevitable.  These were my first tears, and it was hard to walk away from her!  After that I went upstairs and hung out with Mrs. Malissa, talk to Maria, did random things, and then headed to see April!  Brooke called and I was able to get her to meet me at April's house!  It was so good to see Brooke and hug her!  She gave me the sweetest gift of a photo album (that totally matches my other Italy albums)!  I miss my Brookie!

After Brookie left me, and April and I went inside from talking to sweet Matthew, we just hung out for a bit!  Some of my most precious memories with my friends (all of my friends) are when we are just sitting with each other and talking.  I am a quality time person and one-on-one time with my friends is the most special thing to me.  We made a Publix run for dinner and then had dinner with Mark before he went to work!  That night we spent a lot of time working on my flat people for Italy! I did okay with no crying, except for a brief moment after I got a voicemail from Erin and a text message from Maria; after the combination of these two things I had a mini meltdown moment.  I long for Erin to live closer to me so that we can see each other and not rely on voicemails to hear each others voices! 

Friday...the day I had been dreading.  April came in very early in the morning and just laid with me!  She wanted to go shopping, but seeing as how it was a little before 7 am, we had to rule that out! Neither one of us wanted to wear any of our clothes we owned...we wanted NEW ones.  However, April decided on a cute outfit and let me borrow a super cute shirt!  We ended up being a little matchy matchy twins, but we were too cute to care!  Mark was sweet enough to take some pictures of us before we each left the house.

My sweet \a

Loving on my April

My beautiful friend

After Mark took our picture, April took my picture with Mark, who has taught me so much and expanded my mind when it comes to movies, books, my vocabulary, etc. April and Mark are so special to me (and so perfect for each other and it is endearing to watch!)!!

April headed to work and I headed to the CDRC for my last day!  I worked on flat people, interviewed Jessy and spent some time with her!  It was Kelly's birthday, so I sat with Jessy as she made some posters and the others set up Kelly's office with presents, a cookie, and posters/cards!  Jessy loves the Lord and is living her life to please Him.Jessy and I had some great conversations both Friday morning and afternoon; love her!  I was also able to interview Dr. Tingle and spend some time talking to her!  I love that I have so many friends in the HDFS department, The Children's Program, and even downstairs in the CDR; it makes that building feel like another "home"!  The rest of my day was split between going upstairs and going downstairs spending time with people.  Meredith was so sweet to laminate my flat people for me and then I made my rounds of saying goodbye (see you later...much later) to all of my Children's Program people.  I did a great job of not crying!  Then I headed upstairs to cut out my flat people and sit with Mrs. Malissa.  As it drew closer to 4 o'clock I knew the inevitable goodbyes were coming, but I did really well!  I went downstairs to see Sarah Mason and Gracie, but brought them upstairs to see their flat people and then we went back downstairs!

Mrs. Malissa was so sweet to take our picture

We talked with Kelly for a bit and then started giving our hugs! I did really well until I was hugging Kelly and she told me not to cry...however, I could NOT hold it in anymore!  It was brief, but I just love my Avery girls so much!  Kelly has taught me so much and I value her advice/guidance, and my girls never fail to bring a smile to my face.  I eventually had to pull away because I knew Mrs. Malissa would be leaving soon!  I definitely cried.  Mrs. Malissa is a friend, other mother, counselor, and all around wonderful person! That was a hard goodbye!

Right around this time April got to the CDRC.  She sat with me for a bit while I waited to see Maria!  April had endured a long and stressful day, but was sweet enough to agree to letting me spend ooooonnne more evening with her and Mark (did I mention she is a fabulous friend?)!!  So, we saw Maria and then April left to go home and hang with Mark!

I sat with Maria for about two hours just talking!  We haven't seen much of each other the past few times I've been to Tuscaloosa because of our time schedules and the fact that she is the busiest woman I know! :)  Those were 2 much needed hours for me!  She is so easy to talk to and it is always nice to have people in your life (and I have quite a few) that you can talk to about anything.  I am forever grateful for her hugs, guidance, support, love, counsel, advice, encouragement, etc. etc. So once it was dark and we both needed to go, we wrapped it up and said bye.  Yes, I cried.  It was hard to leave knowing that once I left the building I wouldn't see her or any of my other loves for a long time (though I am sure it will fly by).

April grilled steaks and made baked potatoes for dinner.  We had yummy wine, laughed, talked, and I just enjoyed a wonderful evening with Mark and April.  April and I sat and talked/slept while watching tv, and it was a great end to my time in Tuscaloosa!  Our Saturday morning was loud due to a power blink resulting in what I believe to be a "stuck" doorbell!  Rather early, April left to go ride Brave Sir Robin and I drove to Birmingham to spend the day with my Aunt who came to see me!

Saturday evening I was able to go to the LOFT outlet with money my sweet Aunt gave me to buy a few "basics/necessities"...was also excited that they were having an "everything 40% off sale...PLUS I had an additional 20% off at the outlet if I used my LOFT card...PLUS, 3 out of the 4 things I bought were on sale...I'm pretty proud of my thrifty spending and getting some basics.  ALSO, those who know me well know that the fact that I bought two pair of jeans and LOVE them is a miracle (I tend to LOATHE jeans).

I am so grateful for my time in Tuscaloosa and I cannot say how much each person in that building who has loved on me, encouraged me, supported me, and just surrounded me with joy, mean to me.  God is so good to give you the people you need, want, and it is amazing to see how He uses them in my life! 

Peace that surpasses ALL understanding

So I am sure that you all have been waiting on a utter meltdown post.  Well, this is NOT it! In fact, it may or may not come and here is why: GOD IS SO GOOD!  I have been feeling a little bit stressed, and often I feel as though I am not stressed enough; I feel like something is missing because I am not crazy, neurotic, scared out of my mind, crying every day, over the top ME!  Now THAT is not normal, though I suppose I am not normal (but hey, who is?). 

So whyyyy do I not feel this way?  Well, it is because each time I begin to reach that point, God provides me with a peace that surpasses ALL understanding.  He washes His peace over me, and I get back on task.  Now, this is not to say that I am not nervous and that I am not dreading goodbyes (because I AM!!).  I am dreading leaving Tuscaloosa on Friday; I am dreading that last night in my house; I am dreading the drive to the airport; and mostly I am dreading that moment I go through security and I cannot see my momma and daddy anymore (not to mention the security people are going to think I am crazy because I'll probably be crying).  Despite those moments I am dreading, God is giving me peace.

The other night I emailed the teachers I will be working with regarding some concerns of mine.  One of them emailed me back the very next morning, and all I can say is that God has DEFINITELY gone before me and prepared a way.  He has placed me in a situation with supportive people who are already meeting my needs (through God's grace they are meeting them).  Here are some of the things that my new friend Virginia had to say:
1. I do understand all your anxiety about the new experience you're going to live,but be sure we're going to try and make you feel home!
2. Let us know the you get there,so we'll arrange to pick you up (this was in response to my concern over arriving in Cosenza alone)
3. as to your codice fiscale and the bank account Lilla and me will be available to be of assistance and take you around the city
4. feel free to contact me whenever you need information, Lilla says hello to you
5. Lilla,the other English teacher, is also available to cooperate and much more she's extremely sociable

These things make me feel comforted.  I knew God would make a way, and He is already showing me the things He has done in Cosenza to prepare for my time there. 

Prior to these emails, God has been working (duh).  The other night I needed some peace about things.  I opened my Bible that night and my daily devotional (Journey), and it was about a woman choosing to go on a mission trip for an extended amount of time.  She had dreamed of opportunities and finally found one.  The devotional addressed fear (hello...ME) and how we must stand on God's promises regarding our fears.

The next day's Journey was about using the gifts God has given us, how he made us unique, and how he gives us unique experiences in which we are to use these gifts!

Then on Sunday, our message at church was about fear; about turning to God when we fear.  The pastor said, "we fear that which we cannot control!"  HELLO...ME!!  The fears I have about Italy are about things which I cannot control.  These past 3 years (grad school and beyond) have been rich with experiences that I believe have been intended to teach me that I am NOT in control and that I must learn to let Go(d).  He spoke about God being our refuge, not people, not things, not books/tv shows/movies, NOTHING else but Him.

I found this in a blog written by a woman living in southern Italy: 
 I think the finer point on this is waiting for the "Italian you" to catch up to the English you - You're more funny/smarter/intelligent in your native language, and it takes time to get comfortable in the new one, and until then, you feel a bit unlike yourself.

God calling...

So over the past few months as I have been preparing spiritually, mentally, and physically for my time in Italy, I have been searching for a church and/or group of other believers in the Cosenza area.  I have been unsuccessful in finding a church (other than Italian speaking Catholic ones...which poses two problems 1. I am not Catholic and 2. my Italian is NOT good enough to comprehend a service of that nature), and I suppose I will not know until I am there and integrated into the community whether or not I will find a group to have Bible study with or not!

A few months ago when I first started this search, I felt God telling me that it might be that I become the leader of a Bible study; to which my reaction was, "whoa there God...You know I do not like public speaking and I have a hard time praying out loud/with others around....and I dont know enough about the Bible to lead others in studying it!"  However, recently I have been feeling that same pull.  A few things that have happened prompted my thought process again.  First, I read this amazing series of books by Karen Kingsbury (The Baily Flannigan Series) where the main character moves to NYC and is cast in a Broadway show.  She is a Christian and finds it hard to fit in with her cast mates and feels the Lord leading her to stand up for her faith and to start a Bible Study with anyone in the cast that is interested.  Like me, Baily felt as though she was not qualified and so she shied away from the opportunity.  Later, when she does start the study, she finds that God guides her through every step of the process/experience and one of her cast mates comes to know Jesus as his personal savior!  Second, I read that one of the Fulbright ETA girls from last year did a book club with her students and I was so excited and immediately wanted to do this as well.  Also, I recently heard someone/read somewhere about a person who felt lead to lead a Bible Study but had never done so before and felt as though they didn't know enough about the Bible to lead others in studying it.  They commented that what they learned was that you just needed to stay a chapter or two ahead of the study and rely on God's guidance through prayer. 

Then, at church we are studying the book of Revelation, which can be an intimidating thing to do, but the Lord has really gifted David Platt with the ability to share the word in a way that makes it understandable (though God designed His word to be this way in general I do believe).  Anyway, the idea of the Bible Study struck me again...and how THAT could be my form of a book club with my students.  What better way for me to stay in the word and to spread the love of Jesus with others (something we are called to do)!  The Lord has given me this awesome opportunity to travel and become immersed in another culture, and I believe He intends for it to be an opportunity for me to share my faith in a way that I never have before.  This is a bit scary for me and I feel very intimidated, but I know that God will equip me!  I just need to draw close to Him and be aware of His prompting. 

Will be praying about this...and this is me asking for others to pray as well! 

Like New York City

There were these times in New York where I would wake up and realize, "OMG I LIVE IN NEW YORK CITY!!!"  This had been a dream of mine for so long, and I found a way to make it happen!  It was amazing...the next paragraph is an excerpt from the blog one day about it:

OMG I LIVE HERE!! It really hit me today when I left for the parade that I live here! I ride the subway as my transportation! I know the subways really well I have to say! I mean I make the occasional mistake, but nothing major! I've been doing it for over a week now without a map in hand! I've gone to look for jobs without maps! I actually live here...I shop here...I eat here...I will go see movies here...I LIVE IN NEW YORK CITY! I just cannot say it enough! I'M LIVING MY DREAM!! I always wanted to do this, and now I am! -March 17, 2009

I hope that I feel this same way about living in Italy!  I hope that one day I wake up and realize, "OMG I LIVE IN ITALY!"  Perhaps it hasn't been as big of a dream or as big of an obsession (because let's be real...NYC is the top of the top for me!), but Italy/living abroad has been a dream of mine and it is about to happen!  There are so many of my NYC blogs where I would end it with things like, "I live in NYC" or "I LOVE NYC", etc. etc.  I want this feeling in Italy!  I wonder when it will happen or where it will happen or what will trigger it?!?!  

I'm beginning to realize that I am truly going to Italy!  I only have 4 more Saturdays...and 4 more weeks...and so much to do and so much to hold onto!  I'm battling pushing things away and holding them close! 

The gift of friendship!

I spent this past week with my best friend in the whole world...Erin!  I drove to Charleston last Thursday and came home today (Wednesday)!  There is nothing like spending time with your best friend...the person who supports and loves you the most.  We had a lot of fun and were able to squeeze in A LOT of the touristy things that we were not able to do back in January...and we had a lot of them to do!

Friday we rented bikes and rode them around downtown Charleston, having gelato for lunch (a bit of Charleston...and a bit of Italy), and enjoying the sunshine!  The most amazing thing about Friday morning was that while we were having breakfast it was dreary and cloudy outside, and Erin thanked God for the "beautiful" day during the blessing.  Now, it was NOT beautiful outside...yet...but we had been praying that we would have gorgeous sunny days to spend together outside doing all of the Charlestonian things we wanted to do.  By the time we were dressed and ready to head out for our day....IT WAS GORGEOUS OUTSIDE...blue skies, white puffy clouds, and an abundance of sunshine!!

After bikes we walked around the market and looked in some shops!  Our night was spent at this restaurant on Shem Creek (after a short wait on the AAA guy to get the keys out of the car!)!  Then we went to a rooftop bar and hung out with Lacey, one of the other child life specialists!

Shem Creek Sunset

View from Red's (the restaurant)

Saturday was another jam packed day for us!  We started our day at the Farmer's market where I would totally buy ALL of the fresh veggies every weekend and they had yummy smelling food and cool jewelry/crafts/decor!  We didn't eat anything though because we were on our way to lunch afterward!  We did buy some fresh kale (to make kale chips later) and squash!  It was a gorgeous morning to be walking around looking at all of the fresh produce and such.  Charleston has an amazing network of farmers and markets and restaurants that support the local farmers!  We then headed to Fleet's Landing for lunch where we saw dolphins, had amazing food (especially the creamy grits), and just relaxed and enjoyed our time together.

Fleet's Landing

After our lunch we made our way to the boat for our Harbor Tour!  We had the most awesome tour guide who is a retired history teacher!  He was a GREAT story teller and it was so much fun!  It was a beautiful, sunny afternoon.  My favorite parts of the tour were that he told a lot of fun historical facts and then going under the Ravenel Bridge!   After we took some pictures and then headed home to get ready for the SEC football alumni party at Mellow Mushroom! It was so good to meet more of the Child Life Specialists that Erin works with; especially Morgan.  That night we watched "The Conspirator", inspired by our history teacher that afternoon. 

After the Harbor Tour

Sunday consisted of church and the beach.  Erin and I decided that we are going to be beach volleyball stars in the Rio Olympics...so be there to watch us! ;)  The beach was good...and I got a good bit of sun (a little too much in some spots (tummy, legs, etc).  It was SUCH a beautiful day!   After the beach we went to two of Erin's favorite hidden gems of Charleston and had some beautiful views of downtown and then some beautiful homes! Sunday ended with a yummy dinner and a movie (The Odd Life of Timothy Green).  The movie was good and a great story of adoption!  Adoption: a topic coming up a lot lately in my life!  I still believe that God is preparing my heart for something...

Monday was a sadder day because it meant that Erin had to go to work!  However, I went to the beach, coded some videos, went for a walk around Erin's complex, and then got ready to meet Erin downtown for dinner and a "ghost" tour!  First we went to The Battery so that Erin would have a beautiful backdrop while I interviewed her for my Italy project.  Then we went to dinner at this place with the most amazing wraps with fresh veggies that are grown in Charleston...AMAZING...loved it!  Then we went on our ghost tour, which I do not buy into, but we had fun and learned some history about the city.  THe coolest story was about an earthquake that happened in Charleston many years ago.  The picture of it resembles the pictures of September 11, 2001.  The weird thing is that the picture of this earthquake appeared in Harper's Bazaar on September 11th of that year.  CREEPY...here...see for yourself!

Finally, came Tuesday....my last day in Charleston.  IT RAINED ALLLLLLL DAY LONG...flooded downtown (people were literally canoeing and kayaking on the streets of Downtown Charleston).  I had lunch with Erin's friend Matt and watched a movie.  For our last night together Erin and I made dinner, watched "The Lucky One", watched the season premier of "19 Kids & Counting" (and the new conjoined twins show), talked, and just enjoyed our time together.

My favorite thing about spending time with Erin is just simply being with her.  We NEED to live in the same city...life is so much more fun when we are together.  It is so wonderful to have a best friend that you can just be yourself with...never fear them judging you...a friend that supports you, loves you, will tell you the truth...a friend that just makes you smile!  God has given me a beautiful gift by giving me Erin.  I'm going to miss that girl more than anything while I am in Italy!

My niece Maddie

My niece Molly

 Maddie was a sweet girl all week and slept between us.  My last night Maddie slept right against my back most of the night...my sweet girls!  It was sad to give them bye kisses today because I definitely will not see them until late next year!

My drive home seemed like forever...waves of tears...falling asleep...learning Italian...listening to Atlas Shrugged...and OF COURSE made my stop at Steak-N-Shake for a small chocolate shake (a road trip must have).

This was the first of my goodbyes...definitely one of the hardest...
**Unless Erin can make it home at the end of September...but from here it is all down hill...a lot of goodbyes to come so I apologize if the blogs are depressing for a bit!

Cheerleaders

I am so grateful to have so many wonderful people in my life; people who are continually cheering me on and encouraging me!

Many days I am fighting discouragement and a sense of inferiority.  As I read through other Fulbrighters blogs from this past year I have a range of emotions: excited, encouraged, discouraged, inferiority, curiosity, frustration, and I constantly find that the saying, "comparison is the thief of joy" is BEYOND true!  I often feel like I am Fulbright's experiment; I feel like they said, "hey! This girl has very little experience abroad and is from the south.  Let's throw her in and see if she can swim!"  I am constantly having to remind myself that God opened this door and that He is with me.  I find myself quoting Brother Billy from Valley View all of the time; "God does not call the equipped, He equips the called!"  I can find many things in my life that have equipped me for the upcoming journey I am about to embark on, but yet I still find myself feeling inferior to the previous Fulbrighters.  They all seem so intelligent, well traveled (internationally I mean), eloquent with a second language, and well, prepared.

Things that have prepared me for the upcoming journey:
1. Moving to NYC with no job and no apartment...but that was easy...it was NYC...I LOVE LOVE LOVE NYC 
2. My month in Florence last November
3. Italian minor at UA
4. THE THESIS PROCESS!! Bleh!!
5. Years of dance and all that came with it
6. My child development classes/experiences
7. Lesson planning for children
8. All of my amazing travel opportunities

I know that there are more and God will continue to show me how he has prepared me for this adventure.  I am feeling sadness already about leaving.  I am going to miss my friends and family so much, and I am terrified of not finding people I get along with and want to spend time with on a regular basis!  I am fearful that the other Fulbrighters will not like me or that I will not fit in with them.

Most of all, I am afraid of failure.  I have never truly failed at anything; that is NOT to say that I feel I am perfect or that I have been perfect at everything I've ever done; what it means is that I do not feel as though I have ever fallen FLAT ON MY FACE!!!  I fear that this is that time...but even as I type this, I feel the Holy Spirit asking me, "how?  how will you fail when I am with you?"  God's unfailing love will surround me...He will keep me safe as He is my rock, my fortress, my shield, my protector, my provider, my healer, my shelter from the storms of life, my strength because I am weak, my comforter, and the one who knows my every need/pain/hurt/joyful moment/everything.

I am so grateful for the cheerleaders in my life...the ones that God has placed in my life for various reasons and in various seasons!  I do NOT let go of people easily, and I am so grateful to have the most wonderful people in my life that love on me, support me, encourage me when I need it, hug me when I want it, help me dry my tears, make me laugh through my tears, and are there to tell me that everything is going to be okay!  While I know that I depend on God 1st, I believe He places these people there for a reason!  So thank you, to all of my cheerleaders:
My momma & daddy, Erin, April, Mrs. Malissa, Kelly A., Maria H-R, and many, many others who have been encouraging me via facebook, text, and in person!! I am grateful to each and every one of you! 

I have decided...

Today I was driving home from the library and I am still having mixed feelings about Italy!  I am just dealing with nerves and fears.  However, I heard this remake of one of my favorite hymns, "I have decided to follow Jesus" and I just felt like it was the Lord telling me that I made the decision to follow Him and this is where He is leading me!  While as humans we hate to leave behind family and friends, it is part of following Jesus sometimes.  Italy is not a permanent thing, but it is what is coming up; it is 9 months where I am sure that I will be tested, I will grow, and hopefully will come back stronger and more dependent on Jesus than when I left.

**These are the lyrics for the new contemporary version!**

"I Have Decided"

I have decided to follow Jesus
I have decided to follow Jesus
I have decided to follow Jesus
No turning back, No turning back

I will follow You, I will follow You, I will follow You my God
I will follow You, I will follow You, I will follow You my God

Though none go with me still I will follow
Though none go with me still I will follow
Though none go with me still I will follow
No turning back, No turning back
I will follow You, I will follow You, I will follow You my God
I will follow You, I will follow You, I will follow You my God

The world behind me, the Cross before me
The world behind me, the Cross before me
The world behind me, the Cross before me
No turning back, No turning back

I will follow You, I will follow You, I will follow You my God
I will follow You, I will follow You, I will follow You my God
Yeah, I will follow you, my God

Mistakes

God never makes a mistake.

His will is perfect.

He has gone before me and He will go with me.

These are all things I know to be true, so why do I feel like I am in the middle of a huge mistake?  First of all, there is nothing that I could have done to make this happen!  God opened doors and made a way for this to happen, and HE DOES NOT MAKE MISTAKES!!

Why am I so afraid of failure?  I feel like I am going to fail at speaking the language, at living there, at being an assistant teaching English (English?? with high school students?  really??  ME??), and a failure at being away from home for such a long time!!  I've always wanted this, and I have been handed the most beautiful gift and opportunity, so why am I having such a hard time.  Why do I just want to sit here with my head in my hands and cry until I cannot cry anymore; something I have not done in a year or so!

I'm scared...I feel lonely already...I miss home/family/friends already and I have not left...

I want to soak in each day...every moment I have...I feel like my time is slipping through my hands and I cannot get a grip on it!  It's like that toy we played with when I was little...the tubey things filled with water that you squished and they would slip right through your hands...that is what my time is like!  Last night my Bible study was about being busy and ignoring your Bible study time and/or not living in the moment of each day!

I have 8 1/2 weeks....

Formalities and such

My blog (Questa e la mia vita) is intended to record my life in Italy (in Nov. 2011 and as  Fulbright Student 2012-2013).  This blog is not an official Department of State website and the views and information presented are my own and do not represent the Fulbright Program or the Department of State.

Hopefully this satisfies this requirement?!? :) 

Dare to dream...

"Somewhere over the rainbow
Skies are blue,
And the dreams that you dare to dream
Really do come true."

I dared to dream a little dream....a dream I've been holding on to for years!  I've always wanted to live abroad and Italy was at the top of my list.  My friend Neal and I have been discussing this for years!!  He always encouraged me to just up and do it!  Well, that was not me...I do not just "up and do" anything!!  However, I continued to dream!  What I learned though was that I was not ready yet!  I had so much to do: NYC, grad school, all of the amazing things in grad school AND the not so amazing things, I had to meet the people I've met, be broken down to nothing and restored/healed, travel to Italy in November, have time in Birmingham/Tuscaloosa, etc.  NOW...now, the dream I dared to dream is coming true!  My heart is racing and I want to cry (and have many times), but God is too generous!  He has gifted me this amazing opportunity and there is nothing I could have done to force this opportunity...He has opened all the doors of opportunity and made it a reality!

-He allowed me to meet the right people at the right time...Dr. Hernandez-Reif (Maria) suggested it
-He gave me peace, clarity, the right words, etc. through the application and interview process
-He opened doors AND shut/slammed doors along the way so that when this door opened I had no doubts
-He has taught me patience throughout the waiting process of this amazing opportunity
-He will continue to open doors because He has gone before me and He will go with me!

This is such a blessing and while I know there will be scary times and lonely times, I KNOW THAT I KNOW He is with me and I take with me (in spirit, email, facebook, hand written letters hopefully, skype, blogs, etc) all of my amazing family/friends....my beautiful support system!

I feel so blessed to have had so many dreams in life come true!  I hope that everyone reading this understands that dreams CAN AND DO come true...and the cheesy phrase about the scariest opportunities being the greatest...well, I hope that is true!!

More details to come as I figure them out, but I did get my official information today!  So here I go...I'm diving in!  It is getting more real!! :)

It's not real...

YET.

Tonight as I talked to a good friend on the phone about visiting Tuscaloosa, I realized why I am having such trouble with the idea of leaving: I have not received any official information other than the city I will be living in and the two schools I will be working at during my 9 months in Italy.  I do not know how/when I can book a flight, what my choices are of living situations, what exactly it is I will be doing, who I will be doing it with, will I be able to do the preschool involvement stuff that I proposed? How will they pay me?  When/how do I get my visa? etc. etc.

So what does this all mean?  Well, I have learned (a continuous process though) to be patient.  I know that there is a reason that this is taking so long and in the meantime I am doing the things I can do and also learning to be patient.  However, in the waiting, I do not know anything about where I am going...not really (and p.s. travel books have little to NO information about Cosenza or the area of Calabria in general).  Therefore, the only thing that IS  real, is that I am leaving.  I think this is why it is weighing so heavily on me (not that it won't as the time draws closer anyway).  For now, the only real thing is saying goodbye and spending as much time with the people I love as possible. 

I do know that it will become real...maybe too real...and this will upset me as well.  It does seem like a no win situation when it comes to being sad about leaving, but for now, it is hard for the ONLY reality to be the leaving.

This same friend said something that made me feel so good, and I do not even know if she realizes it; she said, "we'll all still be here when you get back!!"  I know this...I hope that all of the people I love will still be here and still love me when I get back!  It seems silly for this to be a concern, but again, right now the only reality is that I am leaving people...so far, nothing is real about where I am going.