Tears

I've cried with every goodbye!!  It was sad to leave Meagan a few months ago after our time at the lake.  I was slightly hysterical on and off as I drove home from Charleston a few weeks ago.  Hugging my Children's Program people was hard.  Hugging Kelly, Sarah Mason, and Gracie goodbye broke me down.  Mrs. Malissa was hard to let go and the tears were plentiful!  My HDFS people were hard to leave.  Leaving with and then walking away from Maria was so hard to do and I definitely cried a good bit!  Finally, tonight walking away from April was so hard to do for many reasons.  Then, I began to realize that I am nearing the end of my goodbyes.  Only a few left and two HUGE ones...my momma and daddy!  Sunday will be hard, but God is good! 

All of these people (and others) have been such answered prayers in my life.  I know that God is #1, and He should remain on the throne of my heart, and I do struggle with dependence on people.  However, I strongly believe that God places people in our lives to bless us and allow us to bless them.  I pray that I have been a blessing to those in my life, but I know that I could never come close to how they have blessed me, and I could never be to them/mean to them, what they have been/meant to me.

I spent so much time feeling lonely or wishing for people who understood me the way my friends do now.  I am such a lucky girl and I am going to miss my people so much!

 One last picture with my \a.  For those who question how that is pronounced, it is back-slash-a.



On another note, my friend Erin was going to try to get to ATL to see me on my layover.  Did I mention that I have the most wonderful friends that a girl could ever ask for??? 

The "P" word(s)...

Perfect/Perfection/Preparation/Paid/Pictures/Peace

If you know me at all, you know that I am a type-A (sometimes to my own detriment) personality who tends to overachieve (or at least always attempts to).  I try to always be 100% prepared and on top of things, often pushing myself to my breaking point trying to achieve perfection.  I am fully aware that true perfection is not something I can ever achieve because I believe that there has only ever been One perfect human; Jesus.  However, this has rarely stopped me from striving for perfection in everything that I do; school, dance (Rockettes), relationships, and really life in general I suppose.  The trouble with this is that it also tends to drive me to my breaking point, and many times I feel as if I have broken (speak with the people who have had to literally pick me up off the floor while I am drowning myself in tears and self-loathing for not be perfect).

So what does this have to do with my preparation time for Italy?  Well, to the shock and amazement of myself, and I am assuming others in my life, I have yet to have a major freak-out, breakdown, losing control, crying uncontrollably moment (& we are down to just over ONE week until I leave).  Granted, there have been moments of slight anxiety (last night with some packing stuff), but it has all been relatively minor.  I have had moments of being sad, but the tears and sad feelings do not overwhelm me.  I am feeling some sadness about leaving and not seeing my family, friends, animals, house (familiar), etc. for 9 months, but the reality is that I am being paid to go on the adventure of a lifetime; I am being paid to live out a dream I have held onto for many years.  When I begin to feel sadness I remind myself of all the pictures I see on Facebook of people I know out traveling and living the adventures I want to live, and I remind myself that I am about to do exactly that!  God is so good to not only give me this adventure, and to trust me with it, but to ALSO give me peace about it! 

In preparation for my time in Italy I have been reading others blogs that were Fulbright recipients, other expats in Italy (I do not think I will qualify as a true expat...and I'm okay with that!), other English teachers in Southern Italy, etc., and I have found some of them very insightful and helpful.  I feel as though they have prepared me for some of the emotions I will experience, some of the day-to-day frustrations, but also some of the amazing things I will see/do/experience/talk about/bring home with me.

I am enjoying these blogs:
http://bluesuedescarpe.com/
http://sunshineandtomatoes.blogspot.it/
And a few others.  The first blog has some good entries about expat life and a GREAT entry involving the serenity prayer and how she ties it to life abroad.    http://bluesuedescarpe.com/2011/07/05/128/

I think it is also worthy to note that I am unsure of my living arrangements still, and I am NOT freaking out!  Why is that you may ask.  Well, it is because the teachers (tutors) I will be working with have been sooooo amazingly kind and helpful.  There is one of them in particular who has been so sweet that I already know I will love her!  Big surprise right?  Me loving a teacher.  The other day she sent me an informative email and randomly at the end of the email she said, "Take it easy, your stay here will be great experience for you! tell your Mum we are going to look after you."  She thought of how my mom must be feeling, and to me that said a lot about who she is and how she will "care for me", especially upon arrival.  When I responded to this, and her kindness in general, she informed me that her youngest son is just a year older than me and so she can understand how my mom must be feeling!  There is more I could say about her, but I will control myself from doing so at the moment (for the record they are all good things). God has been busy preparing a way for me and I am already seeing the outcomes!

So, the main point of this blog is that as I am preparing for this paid trip abroad, I am drowning not in tears, fears, or anxiety, but rather, I am drowning in peace.  I know that this trip will not be perfect and that there will be hard days (Maria is good to remind me that no place, experience, person, or day is going to be perfect), but what I do know is that if I continue to focus on the Prince of Peace and allow Him to guide my steps, attitude, outlook, days, etc. etc., it will be a PERFECT trip in ways I could never imagine.

I am leaving you with a gift- peace of mind and heart.  And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give.  So do not be troubled or afraid.  - John 14:27 (NLT)

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. - John 14:27 (NIV)

Never Far From Me

I think my \a is trying to kill me.  April sent me this video, and the lyrics are so simple, yet perfectly describe our friendship! 

John Garrison  "Never Far From me"
Lyrics:
Never far from me
Any time I feel low
I just don't know how you know
You are never far from me
You are never far from me

Once again, there goes the phone
How could you possibly know

You are never far from me
You are never far from me

Before the time that you go
There is something you should know
You will always be in me
You are never far from me

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tY964r5PC6E&feature=youtube_gdata_player

Moments like this remind me of the wonderful people I am leaving here in the U.S..  If I have not said it before now, let me say that I am so grateful to be embarking on this experience in the age of email, facebook, skype, cell phones, etc. 

“For those who are lost, there will always be cities that feel like home.” ― Simon Van Booy

I do not feel lost at all, but what I do know is that there are cities that feel like home!  I feel at home in Birmingham (hometown), New York City, and Tuscaloosa.  There were many years that I never felt attached to Tuscaloosa; in fact, it was exactly the opposite.  I HATED Tuscaloosa; I would cry when I had to drive back to Tuscaloosa.  Now, as many of you know, I LOVE TUSCALOOSA!  Now, it is mostly due to the people in Tuscaloosa and my love for them.

Wednesday morning I headed to Tuscaloosa for a few days for the last time, at least for a while!  Wednesday was a good day!  My first stop was Stillman College to see the office of my beautiful, wonderful friend April!  She is now an Assistant Professor of Psychology at Stillman College, and I am so proud of her. Her office is really nice and she has awesome artwork and things to make it feel comfortable.  I spent time with Mrs. Malissa and down at the Children's Program. I also went down to campus to visit with Barbara (one of my Italian professors).  We had a GREAT conversation and she gave me some information about traveling, about southern Italy, and more.  We talked about my time in Florence, and I just enjoyed being with her.  I got a quick hug from Gabriella (first Italian teacher), but she was on her way to class.  I feel so fortunate to have had AMAZING Italian professors who helped me fall in love with the language and culture.  Without their influence I would NOT be embarking on this adventure.  It was a regular day in Tuscaloosa, and there is something so comforting in the familiar! That night I went to dinner with Mrs. Malissa, April, and Ms. Hudson.  We went to DePalma's and had a WONDERFUL time!  We had good food (I branched out and got eggplant Parmesan, which I have had before), good wine, good conversation, many laughs, and Mrs. Malissa and Ms. Hudson gave me some fabulous and very thoughtful gifts.

 

Mrs. Malissa, Me, Ms. Hudson, & April

After dinner I went to Kelly's house to stay with her, Tony, and the girls!  I do not know if I can put into words how special this family is to me!  Not to mention, my Gracie and Sarah Mason are so extremely talented and every time they sing, they give me goosebumps!  They are two wonderful girls and I am going to miss them so much!  We did their interviews, they sang, we laughed, and then said goodnight.

Thursday was a good day! I got to see Maria (Dr. Hernandez-Reif...will try to only refer to her as Maria from here on out), and I was excited about that!  I spent time making my flat people for Italy.  One of my favorite parts of the day was spending time with Heather in the baby room, and then Heather and I went to NEWK'S for lunch.  It was so good to spend some time with her one-on-one!  We had a wonderful lunch and it made me realize just how much I am going to miss her!  Heather has taught me everything I know about working in the classroom with infants and much more!  I am so sad that I will not be here for her wedding, but I will be sending prayers and love from Italy!  Also, if someone wants to skype me from their iPhone while Heather walks down the aisle, I'll be forever grateful (and silent)!

After lunch I worked upstairs some and then I had to go tell Heather bye because she was going home that evening (Mobile).  I spent some time in the room with her (and thankfully was able to interview her), and then we had to do the inevitable.  These were my first tears, and it was hard to walk away from her!  After that I went upstairs and hung out with Mrs. Malissa, talk to Maria, did random things, and then headed to see April!  Brooke called and I was able to get her to meet me at April's house!  It was so good to see Brooke and hug her!  She gave me the sweetest gift of a photo album (that totally matches my other Italy albums)!  I miss my Brookie!

After Brookie left me, and April and I went inside from talking to sweet Matthew, we just hung out for a bit!  Some of my most precious memories with my friends (all of my friends) are when we are just sitting with each other and talking.  I am a quality time person and one-on-one time with my friends is the most special thing to me.  We made a Publix run for dinner and then had dinner with Mark before he went to work!  That night we spent a lot of time working on my flat people for Italy! I did okay with no crying, except for a brief moment after I got a voicemail from Erin and a text message from Maria; after the combination of these two things I had a mini meltdown moment.  I long for Erin to live closer to me so that we can see each other and not rely on voicemails to hear each others voices! 

Friday...the day I had been dreading.  April came in very early in the morning and just laid with me!  She wanted to go shopping, but seeing as how it was a little before 7 am, we had to rule that out! Neither one of us wanted to wear any of our clothes we owned...we wanted NEW ones.  However, April decided on a cute outfit and let me borrow a super cute shirt!  We ended up being a little matchy matchy twins, but we were too cute to care!  Mark was sweet enough to take some pictures of us before we each left the house.

My sweet \a

Loving on my April

My beautiful friend

After Mark took our picture, April took my picture with Mark, who has taught me so much and expanded my mind when it comes to movies, books, my vocabulary, etc. April and Mark are so special to me (and so perfect for each other and it is endearing to watch!)!!

April headed to work and I headed to the CDRC for my last day!  I worked on flat people, interviewed Jessy and spent some time with her!  It was Kelly's birthday, so I sat with Jessy as she made some posters and the others set up Kelly's office with presents, a cookie, and posters/cards!  Jessy loves the Lord and is living her life to please Him.Jessy and I had some great conversations both Friday morning and afternoon; love her!  I was also able to interview Dr. Tingle and spend some time talking to her!  I love that I have so many friends in the HDFS department, The Children's Program, and even downstairs in the CDR; it makes that building feel like another "home"!  The rest of my day was split between going upstairs and going downstairs spending time with people.  Meredith was so sweet to laminate my flat people for me and then I made my rounds of saying goodbye (see you later...much later) to all of my Children's Program people.  I did a great job of not crying!  Then I headed upstairs to cut out my flat people and sit with Mrs. Malissa.  As it drew closer to 4 o'clock I knew the inevitable goodbyes were coming, but I did really well!  I went downstairs to see Sarah Mason and Gracie, but brought them upstairs to see their flat people and then we went back downstairs!

Mrs. Malissa was so sweet to take our picture

We talked with Kelly for a bit and then started giving our hugs! I did really well until I was hugging Kelly and she told me not to cry...however, I could NOT hold it in anymore!  It was brief, but I just love my Avery girls so much!  Kelly has taught me so much and I value her advice/guidance, and my girls never fail to bring a smile to my face.  I eventually had to pull away because I knew Mrs. Malissa would be leaving soon!  I definitely cried.  Mrs. Malissa is a friend, other mother, counselor, and all around wonderful person! That was a hard goodbye!

Right around this time April got to the CDRC.  She sat with me for a bit while I waited to see Maria!  April had endured a long and stressful day, but was sweet enough to agree to letting me spend ooooonnne more evening with her and Mark (did I mention she is a fabulous friend?)!!  So, we saw Maria and then April left to go home and hang with Mark!

I sat with Maria for about two hours just talking!  We haven't seen much of each other the past few times I've been to Tuscaloosa because of our time schedules and the fact that she is the busiest woman I know! :)  Those were 2 much needed hours for me!  She is so easy to talk to and it is always nice to have people in your life (and I have quite a few) that you can talk to about anything.  I am forever grateful for her hugs, guidance, support, love, counsel, advice, encouragement, etc. etc. So once it was dark and we both needed to go, we wrapped it up and said bye.  Yes, I cried.  It was hard to leave knowing that once I left the building I wouldn't see her or any of my other loves for a long time (though I am sure it will fly by).

April grilled steaks and made baked potatoes for dinner.  We had yummy wine, laughed, talked, and I just enjoyed a wonderful evening with Mark and April.  April and I sat and talked/slept while watching tv, and it was a great end to my time in Tuscaloosa!  Our Saturday morning was loud due to a power blink resulting in what I believe to be a "stuck" doorbell!  Rather early, April left to go ride Brave Sir Robin and I drove to Birmingham to spend the day with my Aunt who came to see me!

Saturday evening I was able to go to the LOFT outlet with money my sweet Aunt gave me to buy a few "basics/necessities"...was also excited that they were having an "everything 40% off sale...PLUS I had an additional 20% off at the outlet if I used my LOFT card...PLUS, 3 out of the 4 things I bought were on sale...I'm pretty proud of my thrifty spending and getting some basics.  ALSO, those who know me well know that the fact that I bought two pair of jeans and LOVE them is a miracle (I tend to LOATHE jeans).

I am so grateful for my time in Tuscaloosa and I cannot say how much each person in that building who has loved on me, encouraged me, supported me, and just surrounded me with joy, mean to me.  God is so good to give you the people you need, want, and it is amazing to see how He uses them in my life! 

Peace that surpasses ALL understanding

So I am sure that you all have been waiting on a utter meltdown post.  Well, this is NOT it! In fact, it may or may not come and here is why: GOD IS SO GOOD!  I have been feeling a little bit stressed, and often I feel as though I am not stressed enough; I feel like something is missing because I am not crazy, neurotic, scared out of my mind, crying every day, over the top ME!  Now THAT is not normal, though I suppose I am not normal (but hey, who is?). 

So whyyyy do I not feel this way?  Well, it is because each time I begin to reach that point, God provides me with a peace that surpasses ALL understanding.  He washes His peace over me, and I get back on task.  Now, this is not to say that I am not nervous and that I am not dreading goodbyes (because I AM!!).  I am dreading leaving Tuscaloosa on Friday; I am dreading that last night in my house; I am dreading the drive to the airport; and mostly I am dreading that moment I go through security and I cannot see my momma and daddy anymore (not to mention the security people are going to think I am crazy because I'll probably be crying).  Despite those moments I am dreading, God is giving me peace.

The other night I emailed the teachers I will be working with regarding some concerns of mine.  One of them emailed me back the very next morning, and all I can say is that God has DEFINITELY gone before me and prepared a way.  He has placed me in a situation with supportive people who are already meeting my needs (through God's grace they are meeting them).  Here are some of the things that my new friend Virginia had to say:
1. I do understand all your anxiety about the new experience you're going to live,but be sure we're going to try and make you feel home!
2. Let us know the you get there,so we'll arrange to pick you up (this was in response to my concern over arriving in Cosenza alone)
3. as to your codice fiscale and the bank account Lilla and me will be available to be of assistance and take you around the city
4. feel free to contact me whenever you need information, Lilla says hello to you
5. Lilla,the other English teacher, is also available to cooperate and much more she's extremely sociable

These things make me feel comforted.  I knew God would make a way, and He is already showing me the things He has done in Cosenza to prepare for my time there. 

Prior to these emails, God has been working (duh).  The other night I needed some peace about things.  I opened my Bible that night and my daily devotional (Journey), and it was about a woman choosing to go on a mission trip for an extended amount of time.  She had dreamed of opportunities and finally found one.  The devotional addressed fear (hello...ME) and how we must stand on God's promises regarding our fears.

The next day's Journey was about using the gifts God has given us, how he made us unique, and how he gives us unique experiences in which we are to use these gifts!

Then on Sunday, our message at church was about fear; about turning to God when we fear.  The pastor said, "we fear that which we cannot control!"  HELLO...ME!!  The fears I have about Italy are about things which I cannot control.  These past 3 years (grad school and beyond) have been rich with experiences that I believe have been intended to teach me that I am NOT in control and that I must learn to let Go(d).  He spoke about God being our refuge, not people, not things, not books/tv shows/movies, NOTHING else but Him.

I found this in a blog written by a woman living in southern Italy: 
 I think the finer point on this is waiting for the "Italian you" to catch up to the English you - You're more funny/smarter/intelligent in your native language, and it takes time to get comfortable in the new one, and until then, you feel a bit unlike yourself.

God calling...

So over the past few months as I have been preparing spiritually, mentally, and physically for my time in Italy, I have been searching for a church and/or group of other believers in the Cosenza area.  I have been unsuccessful in finding a church (other than Italian speaking Catholic ones...which poses two problems 1. I am not Catholic and 2. my Italian is NOT good enough to comprehend a service of that nature), and I suppose I will not know until I am there and integrated into the community whether or not I will find a group to have Bible study with or not!

A few months ago when I first started this search, I felt God telling me that it might be that I become the leader of a Bible study; to which my reaction was, "whoa there God...You know I do not like public speaking and I have a hard time praying out loud/with others around....and I dont know enough about the Bible to lead others in studying it!"  However, recently I have been feeling that same pull.  A few things that have happened prompted my thought process again.  First, I read this amazing series of books by Karen Kingsbury (The Baily Flannigan Series) where the main character moves to NYC and is cast in a Broadway show.  She is a Christian and finds it hard to fit in with her cast mates and feels the Lord leading her to stand up for her faith and to start a Bible Study with anyone in the cast that is interested.  Like me, Baily felt as though she was not qualified and so she shied away from the opportunity.  Later, when she does start the study, she finds that God guides her through every step of the process/experience and one of her cast mates comes to know Jesus as his personal savior!  Second, I read that one of the Fulbright ETA girls from last year did a book club with her students and I was so excited and immediately wanted to do this as well.  Also, I recently heard someone/read somewhere about a person who felt lead to lead a Bible Study but had never done so before and felt as though they didn't know enough about the Bible to lead others in studying it.  They commented that what they learned was that you just needed to stay a chapter or two ahead of the study and rely on God's guidance through prayer. 

Then, at church we are studying the book of Revelation, which can be an intimidating thing to do, but the Lord has really gifted David Platt with the ability to share the word in a way that makes it understandable (though God designed His word to be this way in general I do believe).  Anyway, the idea of the Bible Study struck me again...and how THAT could be my form of a book club with my students.  What better way for me to stay in the word and to spread the love of Jesus with others (something we are called to do)!  The Lord has given me this awesome opportunity to travel and become immersed in another culture, and I believe He intends for it to be an opportunity for me to share my faith in a way that I never have before.  This is a bit scary for me and I feel very intimidated, but I know that God will equip me!  I just need to draw close to Him and be aware of His prompting. 

Will be praying about this...and this is me asking for others to pray as well! 

Like New York City

There were these times in New York where I would wake up and realize, "OMG I LIVE IN NEW YORK CITY!!!"  This had been a dream of mine for so long, and I found a way to make it happen!  It was amazing...the next paragraph is an excerpt from the blog one day about it:

OMG I LIVE HERE!! It really hit me today when I left for the parade that I live here! I ride the subway as my transportation! I know the subways really well I have to say! I mean I make the occasional mistake, but nothing major! I've been doing it for over a week now without a map in hand! I've gone to look for jobs without maps! I actually live here...I shop here...I eat here...I will go see movies here...I LIVE IN NEW YORK CITY! I just cannot say it enough! I'M LIVING MY DREAM!! I always wanted to do this, and now I am! -March 17, 2009

I hope that I feel this same way about living in Italy!  I hope that one day I wake up and realize, "OMG I LIVE IN ITALY!"  Perhaps it hasn't been as big of a dream or as big of an obsession (because let's be real...NYC is the top of the top for me!), but Italy/living abroad has been a dream of mine and it is about to happen!  There are so many of my NYC blogs where I would end it with things like, "I live in NYC" or "I LOVE NYC", etc. etc.  I want this feeling in Italy!  I wonder when it will happen or where it will happen or what will trigger it?!?!  

I'm beginning to realize that I am truly going to Italy!  I only have 4 more Saturdays...and 4 more weeks...and so much to do and so much to hold onto!  I'm battling pushing things away and holding them close!