The test of patience is never ending and these past few days have brought challenges not only in regards to patience, but challenges related to my anxious tendencies.
First, I have been becoming fearful of being alone in Italy. I do not want to feel alone; I do not want to sit in an empty apartment or room or house feeling a thousand miles away from anyone and everyone that I love. If you know me, and I am assuming that if you are reading this you do, you know that when I love, I love deeply. If I love you, I do not let go and I enjoy being in your presence (I am a quality time person...plug: if you've never taken the 5 Languages of Love test...DO IT!!). Therefore, one of my greatest "fears" is not being surrounded by people that I love. Italy will test this in a MAJOR way. However, it is most likely God's way of having me rely solely on Him and His way of reminding me that I am never alone because He is ALWAYS with me! I do not make friends easily, as I can be shy and reserved. I also do not just go along with what everyone else wants to do (drink, party, find guys, etc. etc.) and therefore, that can make it more difficult to find close friends. I am constantly praying that the Lord will help me find like-minded people while I am in Italy, and that He will show me opportunities to find other Christians and/or people who are open to my faith and values.
Then, the other night my mom and I ran into a person who held such a special place in my heart when I was younger; Amanda Burkowski. Amanda was the big sister I never had, and sometimes wanted (I say sometimes because I really am okay with being an only child)!! No really, Amanda was so, so, so special to me. She was a lifeguard at Irondale Swim & Tennis when I was younger and my mom would drop me off at the pool for hours during the day and I would hang out with Amanda and the other lifeguards. She taught all of my swimming lessons and taught me to dive and do a back dive and was just so sweet and good to me! I heard someone call my name in Wal-Mart the other night and omg if it wasn't Amanda. Apparently, Amanda is in the National Guard and has been called to go to Afghanistan. I could tell she was anxious and afraid. I left the conversation with Amanda feeling very guilty that I am sitting here with fears of Italy. Italy...where it is not a war zone and I will not be driving the trucks that transport the soldiers and I will not have to live in constant fear of a gun or an IED (that's the right letters???). I want to pray for Amanda and I will get her contact information and write her while she is there. I cannot imagine packing to leave for war...I cannot imagine that goodbye. Life has a way of putting things in perspective, and this did it for me!
Now, fear is still attacking me, but really, I am so fortunate that I am going to a place where my job is to teach and learn. So, for those who read this, please, please, please pray for Amanda; I know I will be. I do not know if Amanda loves Jesus, but I will be praying for her and praying that she does know Him and does love Him. Fear and anxiety have been attacking me in other ways too, but those are not for this blog. I will just say that it has been hard to breathe the past few days.
Today: today as I was at the library I decided to google information about the Fulbright and I came across this handbook that would have been FABULOUS to know about two months ago when I received my acceptance letter. Information about travel and visas and money and housing and just on and on. Of course my BIGGEST frustration was that I had to find this on my own! Thank you Lord for allowing me to find it today and not a month from now! God works in mysterious ways and He knows that I need time...time to adjust to things and time to plan for things! I had a meltdown in the library...crying...praying...begging for peace...and you know what....the Holy Spirit reminded me of my life verse (and it is MY life verse for a reason): Do not be afraid for I am with you. Do not be discouraged for I am your God. I will strengthen and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand. Isaiah 41:10. I felt better, and I went to the bathroom to calm down and was reminded of the section in Matthew about worry where Jesus says that we should not worry about tomorrow because today has enough troubles of its own and that he takes care of the lilies in the field, so of course He will take care of us (very loosely translated). God is so good to remind me of His word when I am in need!
As I write, I am texting a friend and this friend made me realize that I am always looking for results in something and often forgetting about what I am learning in the process. I went through this for two years...searching for the end point of healing and not always seeing what I was gaining in the process. Even now, with relearning/expanding my Italian, I am so focused on "am I getting it all and when will I see the results", but in the process I am becoming disciplined in my studies, practicing my time management skills, learning to rely on the Lord, and much more! Same friend just shared some wise words, "handle what you can and remember, God gave you this opportunity, the details have been worked out and through patience, He will show you everything!" As I kept telling myself and Erin today, "God has gone before me and He will go with me!!!"
The devil is attacking me, but I will not let him because the war has already been won! He can attack me all he wants, but as Brother Billy said once, "I've read the end of the story...I cheated and turned to the end of the book...WE WIN!!" (again, loosely translated).
**Today was made GREAT by the fact that I got to spend a good (great) amount of time on the phone with Erin and April...always a happy thing!!! And my momma made amazing homemade chicken pot pie and we all ate dinner together!! :) I cherish the good and happy things!!**
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