-Wait patiently for the Lord. Be brave and courageous. Yes, waiting patiently for the Lord. Psalm 27:14
Lately, I have found myself saying something over and over again in conversations regarding the Fulbright process, "it is like God has been trying to teach me patience for years and He saw I was not getting it so He said, 'ok, Elyse....BAM (smacking myself on the forehead...or pretending to do it to someone else)...you WILL learn it this time. So, here it is, the BIGGEST test of patience and I hope you get it this time!!'" Well, I think I have, or at least I am actually allowing myself to learn it this time. I am hoping that this is a lesson that falls under the category of "better late than never"! I think it is, because I can already see how learning this is improving my faith, my trust in the Lord, and my ability to let go and let God.
So, I never truly understood just how much my impatience could get in the way of God's will (not that His will can be thwarted, but I can definitely try with my impatience). We always hear that His will, His timing, and His plan, are all perfect and I believed this, but did I always trust it? Unfortunately, the answer is no. Now, this is not something I said, but it was something that was clearly reflected by my actions while I was telling myself that I did trust it. I am a planner and I am a doer. I have a hard time sitting back and letting anyone have control of something in my life. However, the Fulbright application and waiting process has taught me to let go.
-We may throw the dice, but the Lord determines how they fall. Proverbs 16:33
A summary of this entire process: The Fulbright process started back in September 2011 when Dr. Maria Hernandez-Reif suggested that I apply because I want to travel and specifically to Italy (thus, I threw the dice and put my hat in the ring). I had to wait (impatiently) to meet with the campus representative and then complete the application process in just 2-3 short weeks; a process that most applicants spend months working on. I had essays to write, etc. Once the application was in I had an on-campus interview on October 11, 2011. After this interview, it would be as early as January when I would hear whether or not my application had been pushed to the next level. I walked away that day feeling good about the interview and I let it go (for once in my life). One morning while I was in Charleston towards the end of January 2012 I received an email saying that I had indeed made it to the next round and now it would be sometime before May 12th (ish) before I would know if I had actually received the scholarship or not. As the weeks and months went on, I began to grow somewhat impatient (ok, I was becoming pretty impatient) and awoke every morning with EAGER anticipation of an email. Once I received that email on April 23rd and then had my skype interview on May 4th, the waiting process began again. They said it would be ONE WEEK until I found out my location. Three weeks and a hard battle with patience later, I found patience, but did email them out of concern that I had been missed/forgotten/something (but truly had given into patience and thus the email was sent a week later than it would have been). They said it would be early June, and I sit here writing this on June 10th with little anticipation that it will actually be early June when I hear. However, I am feeling patient. I am in no hurry to rush them because clearly God has a plan and a purpose in my waiting.
In the midst of the Fulbright process: So, all the while (prior to April 23, 2012) I have been stuck in limbo of will I get it or will I not. I went through quite a few weeks and months of what do I do after graduation? Where do I get a job? I interviewed in NYC, I searched for jobs locally, in Nashville, NYC, etc. I hit brick walls everywhere I turned and never felt a sense of peace about any of these options. NYC is next to impossible at the moment (without more school and work in places I do not care to be). I was so confused and lost and unsure of what God was doing with my life. Along the way He helped me find purpose in certain areas of my life by allowing me to assist a friend with her dissertation and I had a nannying job that conveniently lasted from right after I returned from Charleston until just a few weeks after I would find out that I did receive the scholarship.
-Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own
understanding. Seek his will in all you do and he will show you which
path to take. Proverbs 3:6
All the while I had been praying for God's guidance and leadership and that I would go wherever He wanted me to go. I had to pray A LOT about how I would go even if it was not MY first choice. I was reluctant to stay in Birmingham or go to Nashville because my heart was (and still is somewhat) set on NYC. I began praying that God would just make His plan known to me through the opening and shutting of doors. I am a terrible decision maker and I prayed that God would just SLAM every wrong door in my face and open the right one in His time, and that He would provide me with His peace that surpasses all understanding. All the while I was also praying that He would give me patience in the waiting process because He must have a reason for the long process.
I knew that He must have a reason for me being in Birmingham with my mom and dad, with the ability to travel to Tuscaloosa. During this time I was also fortunate enough to hear some good sermons
and read some thing regarding timing in life and about being exactly
where we are for a reason (see story of Esther and Mordecai in the book
of Esther...particularly focusing on Esther 4:14). Thankfully, God has
had the mercy to show me how my life has purpose right where I am. He
has shown me that only I can have purpose and influence in the
situations that I am involved in right now.
-We also pray that you will be strengthened with all his glorious power
so you will have all the endurance and patience you need. Colossians
1:11
WEEELLLLL....all of the above was true. I actively searched for jobs and continued to pray about open and closed doors and you know what, He closed ALL the other doors (and allowed me to NEVER feel rejection/anger/pain from those closed doors) and he OPENED the door He wanted me to go through. I had also been praying that if Italy was the door that He would provide me EXTRA peace/strength/courage because this would be the SCARIEST of all the options (in my opinion at least). I've also read a lot lately about how the scariest decisions/adventures in life can be the most rewarding ones. I had a few scares regarding whether I would be peaceful or not, but when that email finally came, I read it with very little emotion. When I finished reading it, a peace washed over me like I never saw coming. I was not scared and I was not anxious, I just knew; I knew that God has just opened the door that I was going through.
He has since revealed to me that all of my efforts to force my way to NYC had simply been me trying to push my own will/plan onto Him and that I needed to be patient and let Him work. When I say I was forcing it, I mean I was really forcing it. I was turning to every resource (humans, schools, websites, etc) that I could to help me make my way to NYC. This is NOT how He intends it to be. Had I stopped to check with Him more, I would have experienced a lot less stress and frustration.
The two most trying times of patience in this process were right before I found out that I did receive the Fulbright and the time between the final skype interview and today, when I still do not know where I am going in Italy. During these times I have learned to pray for God's will. I pray daily that He will help me to remain patient and remember that His timing is perfect and He MUST have a reason for the delay. He is preparing my way...He has gone before me and He will come with me to Italy.
-Now may the God of peace- who brought you up from the dead our Lord
Jesus, the great Shepard of the sheep, and ratified an eternal covenant
with his blood- may he equip you with all you need for doing his will.
May he produce in you, through the power of Jesus Christ, every good
thing that is pleasing to him. Hebrews 13:20-21
When I worry about not being prepared for understanding/speaking the language, when I worry about never having taught English, and when I worry about my lack of experience with teenagers/high schoolers, I have faith in the fact that He equips the called. Even in that respect I must have patience because I cannot currently see how He is equipping me/how He has equipped me already in all of these areas. I'm not saying that I will not get there and have some struggles in these areas, but what I am saying is that I have faith that the Lord will be walking with me through it all.
I am such a planner that I am struggling with them letting the weeks fly by between me finding out and telling me where I will be. I often feel as though they are wasting my weeks of planning and not giving me adequate time to do things. I have to keep reminding myself that God's will and timing are perfect. He is never early and He is never late.
-And the Scriptures give us hope and encouragement as we wait patiently for God's promises to be fulfilled. Romans 15:4
-And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of
those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.
Romans 8:28
Another thing I am learning is that every time fear of the unknown (in general, but primarily Italy) strikes me, I have to stop and pray that God will grant me peace and that He has a purpose in this trip. I pray that He will use me for His glory and that I will find good Christian friends while I am there. I pray that I will be a light for Him in this foreign country. I want this trip to be used for His glory.
-For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11
He granted me this amazing opportunity to live out dreams, and I want to repay Him with giving it to Him for his plan/will/purpose.
This HUGE lesson in patience will carry throughout my life.
-Better to be patient than powerful; better to have self-control than to conquer a city. Proverbs 16:32
I now see that if I just wait on the Lord, He will show me the right path and I will have peace about it. The lesson in patience is carrying over to other areas of my life as well, though I still have work to do. I am learning to be patient with friends, family, and other things in life. It is important because the Bible tells us that patience is a fruit of the spirit and I want my life to be reflective of that fruit, NOT a reflection of sinful nature (Galatians 5:13-26). The Bible tells us that patience is part of love, true love, and that love for our "neighbors" is the second most important commandment (Jesus said so himself in Matthew 22:36-40), AND we cannot have true love without patience (1 Corinthians 13).
-But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love,
joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and
self-control. There is no law against these things. Galatians 5:22
Teacher, which is the most important commandment in the law of Moses?”
37 Jesus replied, “‘You must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind.’[a] 38 This is the first and greatest commandment. 39 A second is equally important: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’[b] 40 The entire law and all the demands of the prophets are based on these two commandments.” Matthew 22:36-40
If I
could speak all the languages of earth and of angels, but didn’t love
others, I would only be a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 If
I had the gift of prophecy, and if I understood all of God’s secret
plans and possessed all knowledge, and if I had such faith that I could
move mountains, but didn’t love others, I would be nothing. 3 If I gave everything I have to the poor and even sacrificed my body, I could boast about it;[a] but if I didn’t love others, I would have gained nothing.
4 Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud 5 or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. 6 It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. 7 Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.
8 Prophecy and speaking in unknown languages[b] and special knowledge will become useless. But love will last forever! 1 Corinthians 13:1-8
-Since God chose you to be the holy people he loves, you must clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Colossians 3:12
The final verse I will include in this post is my goal in life and is also true of my life already. God HAS transformed me into a new person by changing the way I think. I am NOT the person I was 2 years ago and God has made that possible. My next post will be more about this.
-Do not copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God's will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect. Romans 12:2
**I know that this blog is about my Italian adventures and my upcoming move to Italy, but this is a HUGE part of the process. My faith will continue to be a focus in this blog because, "questa e` la mia vita" and God has transformed my life.**
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