The “F” word(s)/What Goes up…MUST come down

I struggled with the name of this blog because both titles seemed appropriate.  I’ll explain a bit more later, but for now, the “F” words: Fabric, Fraud, Failure, Friends, Family, Finally, Fun, Fantastic, & Friendly.

Once again, despite going to sleep around midnight, I woke up earlier than I’d hoped.  Per my new usual, I ate breakfast (yogurt and tostate with jam) in the balcony room.  It was a beautiful and cool morning so I got my blanket and covered up my legs while the morning sun began to rise over the buildings and warm me as I read.  It was wonderful, but I moved back to my room to read a few minutes more before I got dressed to head out.  My goal this morning was to go to the place where Massimo said I could get something to make my mattress softer; if only I’d known the search this would turn in to. 

When I did head out, I once again got looks for the shorts, but who cares!  It was nice outside this morning when I started walking; warm, but a cool breeze while the sun was still somewhat hidden behind the buildings.  I passed this dance studio again on my way there; it is just a few shops down from my apartment.  I have had this overwhelming desire to take a dance class while I am here!  There is something pulling at me; something seems almost exotic about walking into a jazz class/theatre dance class (both offered) and not knowing what they are saying, but just following the others and following the movement.  I’m sure I’d be a bit frustrated, and potentially in a lot of pain, but it just is nagging at me.  It’s been a long time since I had an overwhelming desire to dance (other than when I watch the Rockettes).  I do not sit around and long for dance in a way that I regret the decision to walk away while I could still walk, but sometimes I just want to walk out on a stage and dance one more time; pain free, and preferably Radio City Music Hall (I tend to dream big here my friends).  Anyway, I do not know what will come of this, but there it is…I said it, “I want to take a dance class and just be lost in the movement!”

I actually ended up walking the loooooonng way to this store, but I did get to see some new shops and things, so I suppose that it was okay.  I did walk in a store that sold tennis shoes and Nike stuff (no tempos), and I saw my kind of tennis shoes.  They were on sale for about the same price we would pay at home, so that was good to know just in case I find myself needing new shoes while I am here!  **Momma, they only had one color though…white and blue…where is the pink? Or the Red? I mean what is with that??**  I also found a “home store” near my apartment with cheaper prices on brand name prices!  When I did find the store…HOLY COW!!! I cannot even begin to describe to you the amount of fabric they had.  Fabric, ribbon, thread, etc. etc.  You could buy any kind of fabric you can possibly imagine…NO, really!!! There were like 2 or 3 floors of walls that looked like this: 

I was overwhelmed.  You could buy yoga mat stuff off of a huge roll (will be buying some of this later). You could buy towel material off of a roll, and they also had this houndstooth fabric that I want; man I wish I could sew!!  **Maria, April…can that be my new hobby??  Haha…too difficult! I need to take my big camera out and play with it!!**

The Fabric Store: Oh the experience I had here.  So first I wandered around looking to see if I could find what I was looking for on my own.  Massimo had called this place the night before and they said that they had it, so he wrote down the name of it for me.  Finally I asked a guy that was working if he could help me; I asked and then showed him the name of what I was looking for, as not to add to the language barriers.  He started speaking in RAPID Italian; I gave him this blank look and kind of shook my head and started doing my best (which was not great) to explain that I wanted something to make the mattress softer, and of course for the life of me I could NOT remember the word Massimo used for softer (morbido is the word in case anyone is curious…I’ll never forget it after the 2+ hours I spent looking that afternoon…explanation later of course).  I barely remembered the word for mattress.  First he showed me this weird material that you might make a throw blanket out of, but then he finally got the point, somewhat, and took me upstairs.  He showed me this material that is similar to our egg carton mattress thingys (Note that there are no feather mattresses or anything of that nature to be found here in Cosenza…ughh).  I said yes, that it was what I wanted and he spoke some rapid Italian to me and I tried to make him understand that I could NOT understand him, but he just left me standing there; he went back downstairs.  I don’t think he was trying to be rude; in fact, I think I was supposed to wait on someone upstairs, but the like 5 fluent Italians and I that were waiting to be helped were NOT a good mix.  I am almost ashamed to say that I was fighting back tears at this point.  It seemed so simple, but the frustration of not catching a SINGLE word this guy said was overwhelming to the point of wanting to cry.  I decided that instead of tears, I would just leave and when Francesca met me earlier, I would ask her for help.  I figured it was better to let go of any sort of pride and ask for help than to break down only a week and a half into this thing.  That’s not to say that I didn’t still leave there frustrated, I did. 

So after having walked up a huge slope and about ¾ of a mile to this place, I decided I wanted to keep walking around and burn off calories and frustration.  Good plan, right?? So, I started walking up the hill and decided to just follow where my curiosities lead me.  The amazing thing was that as I was climbing this hill, just above the buildings I spotted a huge cross.  

I knew that I HAD to find it because at that moment I needed that; I needed it to remind me that I am not alone, that I have not been abandoned in this adventure!  The cross offers me hope and faith that I am never alone and the way has been made for me if I will simply submit to it.  All the way up that hill I had two thoughts fighting for my attention: 1. You are a failure and you suck at Italian (only the latter could be true) 2. Remember the inside of your bracelet; God is with me and therefore I cannot fail.  I wish I could say that one thought truly won out, but it didn’t.  It took me a few minutes to figure out where the cross was, but I eventually found it, and the open gates to the church. 

After this, I began just taking random turns and climbing random hills.  GREAT workout and saw some nice old buildings in Cosenza.  The higher I climbed and random roads I took, the better I felt.  One of my favorite things about going to this part of Cosenza (this was all new, but I had been a little higher last week, but not this high) is that as you climb, you can sometimes peek through buildings for a glimpse of the mountains. 

I don’t think I will tire of seeing the mountains.  I kept walking, eventually following the signs to the castle, but I gave up this quest when I realized that I had just over an hour before I had to meet Francesca at my apartment.  I began making my way back down and I saw a few familiar things in the distance.  I turned on what looked to be a rather busy street and I am so glad that I did.  I was beginning to feel faint, and though I was headed home to eat, I needed something.  I couldn’t decide if I would stop, but then I passed this bar where all of these locals were outside talking and laughing.  Something drew me in, and so I decided to stop and get something.  I didn’t know what I would get, but in the semifreddo refrigerator there was this very small cup of something with coffee beans on top; so I decided to try it.  It wasn’t really gelato, but it was cold, which was refreshing.   The men at the bar were kind, and I was also glad that this came with a small glass of water (everyone got some with their coffee/cornetto).  It turns out that fate brought me into this bar; there was a sign above one of the machines that said, “latte di mandorla”.  You’re wondering what this is?  ALMOND MILK!!! I was immediately so excited and asked the guy behind the bar where I could buy it.  He told me that the store just down the street had it!  YAY YAY YAY YAY!!!! I was so excited!!  I thanked him, paid for my treat, and was on my way. 

Cultural note:  In Florence, you ALWAYS paid for your food/coffee at the bars first!  You either told them how much you planned to spend on the sweets, or what you were going to order and paid at the cashier and took your ticket to the bar and ordered.  Here, they all let you eat/drink first and pay after; small town life?!?!?

I set off down the street to find the store.  I found it right away and literally almost skipped in.  I had to ask two men where it was, but I found it!

It was a bit expensive, but I decided it was worth it and I just wouldn’t buy it as regularly as I was buying it at home!  While I was standing in line to pay, this sweet older lady (who looked like she was buying ingredients for a WONDERFUL dinner) walked up behind me, and I kid you not, I was at least 1 ½ feet taller than her.  I wanted to hug her. 

I continued to make my way home, and by the time I made it, I was exhausted.  I climbed the stairs, reminding myself how healthy it was, and when I came in my apartment I immediately started making lunch.  I heated up the little bit of pasta that was left from last night along with the vegetables.  I put my almond milk in the refrigerator and went off to eat in the balcony room.  I read while I ate; Shawn Johnson’s book.  When I finished eating I came and laid on my bed and finished my book; that makes two books since I arrived in Cosenza.  It reminds me of my time in New York when I was able to read a lot of books.  So far I have read Dominque Moceanu’s book, Off Balance and Shawn Johnson’s, Winning Balance.  As I was grabbing all of my things, the buzzer rang and Francesca was here. 

**In Shawn Johnson’s book, she starts each chapter with a quote from someone or unknown that relates to the chapter.  She ends each chapter with a lesson, or lessons, she learned from that particular experience.  There have been a few that stood out to me, but this was one of the lessons from a chapter today:  “Be humble and patient with yourself.  Take it one day at a time.  You are the only person who can hold yourself back.”  Boy did I need these words today!

The bank:  THIS was an experience.  First, you walk into this vestibule type area where the ATM is, but you CANNOT get into the bank without going into this “beam me up Scotty” type contraption that is a metal detector.  You push a button and a door opens, you step in, it either closes and opens on the other side, or it buzzes and you step out.  IF  it buzzes at you, then you have metal on you or with you.  So, what do you do?!?!? You lock your stuff in little lockers that have keys for you to take in with you.  Francesca had to go through a few times, and I had to do it twice, eventually leaving my whole purse in there because it has metal on it; WEIRD AND FRUSTRATING.  I would later find myself thinking of it as a teleporter and wishing that it actually was so that I could teleport to Birmingham, then Tuscaloosa and Charleston.  So, Francesca was amazing and did all of the talking for me.  At first they told us that you typically have to make appointments for these types of things, but they told us to sit and wait and they would help us.  We sat down, and we didn’t have to sit for long I suppose.  When it was our turn, we sat down with this kind lady who involved me as much as possible in the conversation.  I was grateful that she acknowledged me, but I did not follow her 100%.  I did my best though.  I’ll spare you all the details, but what it came down to was: it was going to cost me to open it because I am not a resident; that was the point of the residence permit though.  However, she said she would ask and I could come back tomorrow and they would have a better answer.  They also said that if you put more than 5,000 euro in your account, you must pay a 34 euro fee.  Plus I think there was a small fee for the debit card.  So, unsure of everything (on their end), we left with no account and an appointment for 3 o’clock tomorrow.  I told Francesca that I was going to check and see what the other Fulbrighters had said about bank accounts; I remembered seeing yesterday that they had used certain banks.  She agreed that I should look and maybe we could go to one of them tomorrow, instead of this bank. 

**Note about the bank:  I found myself somewhat overwhelmed once again with my lack of vocabulary.  It only added to the emotions I was feeling earlier, and I began to long for familiar faces and voices.  It was also difficult to sit there and listen to her constantly say that I was a foreigner, which I am.  The reason it was bothering me is because in Italian, the word for foreigner is, “straniere”.  The more times I heard, “lei e` una straniere”, the more it started to sound like they were saying I was strange, which again, I am.  I am a stranger/foreigner in their country.  Emotions already heightened, it was playing with my mind.  I started to realize how I did not fit in; how I stand out everywhere I went because of my appearance (there is no hiding…I look NOTHING like anyone else here…you could spot me from a mile, or kilometer, away!); how I do not really know anyone and am unsure of exactly how to meet new people (the teachers have offered to introduce nieces and nephews, but we’ll see if that happens).  How do you meet new people your age in a country where you do not speak the language and have no connection to school or anything? I want to make friends…I want to invite them over for dinner…I want to join them for the passegiata in Corso Mazzini. 

After this, she walked back to my apartment with me.  On the way she suggested that she would come help me with the mattress stuff around 4:30.  I was so grateful that she offered and I didn’t even have to ask!  God is so good!  Before I went up, she wanted me to down the street with her to a favorite bakery of hers; there she helped me pick out a bread (not sure of the name) and showed me how it is all done (the ordering, etc).  When I got back upstairs, I realized that it was almost 1:30 and if I wanted to go to the hotel for internet time, I needed to go immediately.  I knew this would put me there just before 2 and would give me until 4 to update my blog, chat (hopefully), and read/respond to/write emails.  I quickly cut off a “small” piece of that bread and put a small drizzle of Ernesto’s olive oil on it and it was THE MOST AMAZING BREAD!!

 So then I threw all of my stuff in my computer bag, changed into shoes that could get wet because it looked as though we might get another afternoon sprinkle, and grabbed my rain coat.  Thank goodness I did these things because it did rain on me as I walked, but not too much.  It was just enough that I got a little wet, but took off my jacket and covered my computer bag; I was able to walk under enough overhangs that I did not get very wet at all.  I saw Massimo and my bartender friend, whose name I need to learn (there are like 3 of them), and I sat down to work.  I eventually moved inside trying to get away from the stale smoke smell. 

Internet time:  I sent April a message telling her I missed her so much today, hoping she would get it and could talk for a minute, despite my early internet time.  In the mean time I checked facebook notifications and started the blog stuff, and also emailed my momma to tell her how I was feeling.  As luck would have it, April was able to answer.  Well, that’s all it took.  As soon as I started telling her that it was a rough day, I began crying; not hysterical, uncontrollably crying, but to myself.  I was trying desperately to hide behind my hair and glasses, praying no one would see me; they didn’t.  April reminded me that I knew in advance there would be days like this and that I was not failing.  During this I also received encouragement from Brooke, whose encouragement has always been so special to me, and then Erin.  There is nothing like a trifecta of best friends to lift your spirits.  April and I continued to chat and I continued to receive support from my friends via facebook (thank you Tammy and Stephen!!!).  Stephen had some wonderful words of wisdom that included reminding me that I cannot fail because I am on the winning team; God’s team!  We’ve read the back of the book…He wins, and with that eternal perspective in mind, and the kind words of my friends and momma, I was feeling better.  While I was sitting there, I also heard one of my favorite Celine Dion songs (do NOT judge me for loving her…Im sure you have weird quirks too!).  Some lyrics I found appropriate to my day:

When you want it the most there's no easy way out
When you're ready to go and your heart's left in doubt
Don't give up on your faith
Love comes to those who believe it
And that's the way it is

When life is empty with no tomorrow
And loneliness starts to call
Baby, don't worry, forget your sorrow
'Cause love's gonna conquer it all, all

Granted, she is talking about love and I am not; I still found them appropriate because I wanted this and I want to improve my Italian (the goal would be to become fluent of course, because I am an overachiever, Type A person!).

Before I had to abandon my internet, I was also able to talk to one of the other Fulbright ETA’s, David, who is in Naples.  He told me that he was at the Consulate the other day and they mentioned me; He said that I was the only other ETA they knew by name.  I am assuming that it was because I had emailed them a few times, being the overachiever that I am!  He said they told him some of the things I’ve been up to prior to this experience, which must mean they said, “She was in grad school and survived!”  Haha!  We talked for a bit, and then I asked him if he was fluent in the language.  He said no and admitted that he was nowhere near fluent and it seems like we are on the same page with the language and having the same struggles.  While I hate this for him, it is nice to know that I am not alone!  We talked a bit about our lives and future goals.  It was nice to connect with someone who knows what I am going through!  He reminded me of how humbling this experience it is!  I left with this thought:  It is so humbling to no longer be of the majority; to not be of the dominate culture, language, customs, etc. 

I finally had to shut down my computer and begin the trek back to the apartment.  I made it pretty quickly and once again got my stair workout!  My legs will be back to “normal” in no time…if you want great legs and a lifted rear end…I suggest you start climbing the stairs my friends, because I feel the burn each time.  I am also looking forward to the day that this does not make me slightly winded; though the longer the second hand smoke tightens my chest, the more I feel I will become winded…hate smoke!

When Francesca rang to say she was here (you have to ring from outside a gate and then if I let you in that gate, I still have to buzz you into the actual building…I like it!).  Off we went back to the fabric store to conquer it.  We went a much shorter route than I took this morning.  HOLY COW…one thinner piece of the “eggcrate” stuff cost 30 euro…WHAT?!!? So, then we went to another place that had this soft stuff that I didn’t really care for, but it was 20 euro.  She decided that we should go look some other places and she also wanted to take me to a place where you buy tickets for different events around town (I was pretty sure I’d taken a picture of this the other day, but I was curious to see if it truly was).  WE WALKED FOR LIKE 2 ½ HOURS!! This is in addition to the 2+ hours I walked this morning…and the 30 minute round trip to the hotel!  She was so kind along the way pointing out bakeries I should go to or places of potential importance.  We walked down Corso Mazzini (the main street where everyone comes out to socialize between like 5:45 & 8ish!  She suggested that we try this one other store and then she wanted to take me to this gelato place at the beginning of the historical center; the place Lilla pointed out and then I went on Saturday!  At this point, I was hungry again, so I was not going to turn down food.  I think all of my walking today earned me that gelato.  We stopped in stores along the way, but never finding what we were looking for.  When we made it to the gelato place, I tried chocolate this time.  Believe it or not, this may be the first time I’ve had chocolate.  I do not remember having it in Florence.  When we came out of the ice cream place, this child approached us trying to sell us these crappy toys.  Francesca had to say, “No Grazie” like a million times and in a very stern voice before he finally left us alone.  Then we walked…and we walked…and we walked…we ended up at a place with tempurpedic mattresses, but of course their options were just too expensive (70 euro for a topper and 150 euro for an actual mattress!).  Bummed, and beginning to feel pain in my knees, I was ready to go home.  We did stop by the ticket place and they are putting on Don Q. (sorry, I can’t remember how to spell it) for one night only at a theatre in Rende (I’d seen the poster the other day and desperately wanted to go).  Francesca said that tickets went on sale in 10 days, and I expressed my desire to go.  She suggested that we ask some of the other teachers and all go as a group; so, I anticipate that on December 11^th, or 12^th maybe, I will be going to the ballet…in Italy! Significance: 1. It’s Italy and 2. Other than the Nutcracker once or twice, I cannot ever recall going to the ballet.  I’m pretty excited! 

After this we made our way to my apartment.  Along the way, and over the course of two hours, we talked about many things: clothing differences, mattresses of course, food, shops, jewelry (we also stopped in a favorite shop of her daughter, who is in Rome for school), etc. etc.  She did tell me that she thought I was being looked at because I was “nice to look at”, not because of the shorts.  She also asked me at one point to correct her English if I ever needed to; I asked her to do the same for my Italian (whenever we start using Italian).  We eventually made it to my apartment and parted ways!

Dinner was good; though I am going to have to invest in some pans because these suck…I also need a spatula to flip my eggs.  I lost a good portion of my eggs to the pan, but the scrambled eggs with spinach were amazing. 

Lost a lot of the eggs to the pan

I also had a slice of turkey and some of that amazing bread!  I put some olive oil on part of the bread and used the other part to eat the turkey!  Did I mention that I am STARVING!?!?!? I also had my almond milk, which is WAAAAYYYY sweeter than my almond milk at home.  I will have to start doing one of two things: 1. Water it down, which sounds disgusting or 2. Have a small amount in one glass and some water in another (this will also help it last a big longer too I suppose).

After dinner I read for a few minutes; I’ve started a book called, All Roads Lead to Austen, which was a free book on the NOOK a few weeks ago.  It’s interesting that I chose this because it is about a lady who takes off to South America for a year to do Jane Austen book clubs (in Spanish) to see how Jane Austen translates and is perceived in other countries/languages.  She is a professor in California somewhere and does a whole course on Jane Austen…UM WHERE WAS THIS IN MY COLLEGE EDUCATION…U of A, you have failed me! 

I also started writing my blog while I waited on Gilmore Girls time.  I turned on iTunes and started listening to my favorite playlist of Christian radio/worship songs.  The first song is a song titled, “Safe” by Phil Wickham. This song has meant so much to me over the past few years; it was a comforting song during some of my darkest days and nights and gave me great hope and comfort when I thought I’d never recover from sadness and depression.  This song brought me to tears…like couldn’t stop them from coming tears!  I just sat and worshipped to the song that meant so much to me!  The next song was equally amazing, “You Call Me Yours” by Prelude (I think that is the artist).  Again, tears!  The whole playlist was amazing, but the tears did stop and I was able to worship and then write (all the while just thanking God for this amazing gift…and for His ultimate amazing gift). 

Then I came to my room to write and watch Gilmore Girls (LOVE IT!!).  Then I decided that I wanted to take a bath tonight, not a shower.  I ran the “hot” water, but also decided to go “Eat, Pray, Love” style and boil hot water to make it warmer! I filled up the pan and let it reach almost boiling before I added it to the bathtub.  Two things: 1. The water is sooo slow here and 2. It isn’t very hot; therefore, the pan of HOT water was helpful!  I let my legs soak, though I know ice/coldwater would have been better for swelling.  It was nice to relax in the warm water!  Then, I wrote some more, did my Bible study and went to sleep!

**Longest blog yet I fear!

The “F” words:

Fabric: Self-explanatory

Fraud: What I felt like; like Fulbright would send me home for sucking at Italian

Failure: Feeling like one and also afraid of it

Friends: Thankful for my wonderful friends who support me and lift me up

Family: Thankful to have means of communication with them!!

Finally: Finally felt better after internet time

Fun: I did enjoy exploring today!

Fantastic

Friendly: people in town; the teachers; my friends; etc.

I struggled with the title of this blog because the whole time I was climbing up today, I kept thinking, “what goes up, must come down”, and I was dreading the downhill walking I was going to have to do!  Then, I also felt like yesterday I had made the comments that I was feeling good about the language and stuff; even sending an email where I was talking about how I’d been doing well and not being too hard on myself.  WHAT GOES UP, MUST COME DOWN!

Thankfully the day ended on a positive note!

IF you’ve hung in to this point, impara con me: Morbido- soft

                                                                                  Materasso(i)- mattress(es)